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Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher
ROCHESTER, NY—Household sources confirmed that local football fan James Clemons became irate earlier this afternoon…
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks
OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games:
Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-Anxiety–Life-Anxiety Balance
FORT WAYNE, IN—Lamenting that there are only so many hours in the day to devote to his various stresses, local Epione…
Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate
A university in Malaysia conferred an honorary doctorate in economics on North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-un, saying…
NASA: ‘We Will Have A Mass Shooting On The Moon By 2055’
WASHINGTON—Calling it the next great milestone in mankind’s journey into outer space, NASA officials boldly declared in…
Titans Players Evenly Divided Amongst Bud Adams’ Next Of Kin
NASHVILLE, TN—Following last week’s death of Titans owner Bud Adams, the long-tenured executive’s next of kin have…
Company To Offer Balloon Rides To Edge Of Space
An Arizona-based company called World View Enterprises says it will offer rides to the edge of space in a capsule…
NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At Class For Entire School Day
FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Monday’s tragic Nevada school shooting in which a 12-year-old student killed a teacher and…
Starbucks Opens First Teahouse, Plans 1,000 More
Starbucks opened a teahouse in Manhattan that serves a variety of teas and food items, the first of what it hopes will…
Josh Freeman Takes On Leadership Role To Help Vikings Find Franchise Quarterback
MINNEAPOLIS—Having just signed the former Buccaneers quarterback at the beginning of October, Vikings head coach Leslie…
Panicked Newborn Didn’t Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test
GORHAM, ME—Shortly after his delivery Thursday at Mercy Gorham Crossing Primary Hospital, a local newborn reportedly…