Man Who Drinks 5 Diet Cokes Per Day Hoping Doctors Working On Cure For Whatever He’s Getting

BINGHAMTON, NY—After finishing his second can of Diet Coke of the morning, local man Derek Cowan, who reportedly drinks five of the artificially sweetened soft drinks a day, expressed his sincere hope that researchers are currently working on a cure for whatever terrible disease he’s getting right now. “I’m just going…

Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason

TACOMA, WA—Local woman Jillian Lauretta confirmed to reporters Friday that she was thinking of doing that thing where she acts incredibly cold and unfriendly toward other women she has just met for absolutely no earthly reason whatsoever. “You know, I think I might just go ahead and make a couple women whom I don’t…

Washington Redskins Ease Tensions With Native Americans By Adding Bottle Of Booze To Logo

WASHINGTON—Hoping to alleviate the controversy surrounding their allegedly racist name, representatives for the Washington Redskins announced Thursday that they will attempt to ease tensions with the nation’s outraged Native Americans by adding a bottle of liquor to the football team’s official logo. “We have heard…

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I’m Sorry, But At This School We Don’t Promote Someone To Head Surf Instructor Just Because They Directed ‘Goodfellas’

Listen, you’ve come a long way since you began teaching here. You quickly picked up the subtleties of surfing, you’ve proven to be a reliable introductory-level teacher, and everyone here of course respects your lengthy and influential catalogue of cinematic achievements. Now I’m sure you’ve heard that Darren’s…