Saints vs. Panthers
The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what…
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks
OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:
Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna
PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly…
Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time
As a parent, worrying is second nature. You’re constantly afraid that something could go wrong. Your child could get…
New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention
LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive…
Roger Goodell Carefully Considering Every Comment On NFL.com Message Boards
NEW YORK—Admitting that he was thankful to have such a valuable resource at his disposal, NFL commissioner Roger…
Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps
Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees…
NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones
According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations…
Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed
JOHANNESBURG—Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the…
Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—In an appalling incident that has sent shockwaves through the surrounding community,…
New, More Realistic ‘NFL Play 60’ Campaign Encourages Kids To Be Active For 60 Seconds A Week
NEW YORK—Admitting that the previous incarnation of its program may have set unrealistically high expectations for the…
This Is My Favorite Time Of Year Because I’m Sexually Aroused By Toy Soldier Makeup
It’s hard to pick the most magical thing about the holiday season, I guess because everyone has his or her own special…
New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising to transform the way people experience Meryl Streep, Google announced Monday its new…
Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night
WASHINGTON—In a deeply magnanimous gesture of charity to the two-time war veteran, sources confirmed today that a truly…
Study: Male, Female Brains Wired Differently
A recent study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found significant differences…
Pretty Obvious Which Sibling Going To Have To Deal With All The Nursing Home Stuff
LANSING, MI—Agreeing that really only one of them was suited to the task, if they’re being honest here, the adult…