The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna. “Oh, God, I can smell it from here,” said commuter Evelyn Jacobs, muttering under her breath how rude it was to subject the rest of…

As a parent, worrying is second nature. You’re constantly afraid that something could go wrong. Your child could get sick, or get in an accident, or even just not fit in at school. Sure, there’s joy and pride and fulfillment, but there’s also an unavoidable stream of dread. And all of these worries of course pale in…

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking and deserving of widespread attention.

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in biomedical research. What do you think?

According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations of hundreds of millions of cell phones worldwide belonging to both Americans and foreigners, with the agency collecting nearly 5 billion new records per day that allow them to trace the movements of…

JOHANNESBURG—Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the age of 95, sources confirmed that the revered humanitarian has become the first politician in recorded history to actually be missed. “Today we lost not only an international hero and a symbol of the…

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—In an appalling incident that has sent shockwaves through the surrounding community, authorities confirmed Thursday that the decayed, dismembered remains of 15 missing hobbits were found in the attic of highly acclaimed film director Peter Jackson.

It’s hard to pick the most magical thing about the holiday season, I guess because everyone has his or her own special traditions and memories of Christmastime. For some, it might be playing a Christmas album they’ve loved since childhood; for others, it might be buying and decorating a tree. As for me, I always feel…

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising to transform the way people experience Meryl Streep, Google announced Monday its new “Streep View” technology, providing zoomable 360-degree panoramas of the Oscar-winning actress. “For the first time, Google users are not merely limited to marking Streep locations on a map, but can also…

WASHINGTON—In a deeply magnanimous gesture of charity to the two-time war veteran, sources confirmed today that a truly beneficent U.S. military generously sends a bounteous $800 in monthly benefits to John Callins, a former combat soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan who wakes up every night screaming in a pool of his own…

A recent study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found significant differences in how neural networks are connected in the brains of men versus women, with male brains better structured to facilitate perception and action and female brains more attuned to reasoning and intuition.…

LANSING, MI—Agreeing that really only one of them was suited to the task, if they’re being honest here, the adult children of local couple Ron and Lydia Barnes stated Monday that it was pretty clear which sibling would be handling all the nursing home stuff. “When the day comes, Sarah is obviously the one who will…