The Week In Sports – Week Of January 12, 2013
BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now
NEW YORK—Several new reports indicate CBS producers are just assuming that NFL Today analyst Shannon Sharpe is doing game highlights right now, speculating that the broadcaster’s incoherent rambling might be related to one of the top plays from Sunday. “Uh, he’s mumbling about something, but I don’t know what the hell…
Defense Needs To Be More Physical, Reports Man Slumped On Couch For Past 5 Hours
INDIANAPOLIS—While watching the NFL playoffs Saturday, local man Steve Gordon, who barely moved for five straight hours as he slouched on his couch, reportedly announced that the defense needed to be more physical and deliver punishing hits. “Come on, get up, move—just smack ’em,” said the man who hadn’t even gotten…
Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products
A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion calories from their products between 2007 and 2012, far exceeding their pledge to slash 1.5 trillion calories by 2015. What do you think?
Son, You’ll Thank Me For Pushing You This Hard When You’re 37 And Miserable
Listen, son, I know it might seem like I’m a little tough on you at times. Obviously nobody wants to have their dad constantly breathing down their neck, pushing them to do things they don’t want to do, and then berating them for not living up to his unrealistic expectations. I get that. But you have to realize I’m…
‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks
NEW YORK—As three maintenance workers lugged the corpse of an unidentified man off the tracks ahead, Brooklyn-bound C train operator Martin Carter assured passengers they would be moving shortly. “Sorry folks, we’re experiencing a brief technical delay,” the 16-year MTA veteran told passengers as a man’s lifeless,…
Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta
LOS ANGELES—Admitting they couldn’t fully explain where this was coming from or why, Americans across the country were taken aback Friday upon suddenly realizing they wanted more of film actor John Travolta in their lives. “Look, there’s no rhyme or reason to it, I just have this intense craving to see John Travolta…
Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Having driven to Virginia Beach to visit his sister for a brief vacation, fast food consumer and Pennsylvania native Don Turnbee expressed his interest Friday in eating at Carl’s Jr., a fast food chain not readily available in his hometown.
Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games
BISMARCK, ND—Nine-year-old pee-wee hockey player Connor Griffin confirmed Thursday that he wishes his dad cared enough about him and his Falcons teammates to curse, threaten, or even physically assault other parents during games. “He cheers a lot, which I guess is okay, but he’s never once shouted swear words at other…
Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don't Boost Sales
A new study by advertising research firm Communicus found that 4 in 5 commercials that air during the Super Bowl don't increase sales of the product, an outcome researchers attribute in part to advertisers focusing more on telling a story than promoting a brand. What do you think?
English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says
LINCOLN, NE—Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Professor Elizabeth Mabrey suddenly realized that her students would accept, without question, literally any words that came out of her mouth as absolute, incontrovertible fact, sources confirmed. “I…
Obama Funds International Space Station Through 2024
Scrapping the plan to bring the International Space Station down to earth in 2020, the Obama administration has agreed to add four years to its life and fund the $100 billion orbital research laboratory through 2024. What do you think?
Voters Shocked Christie Botched Such An Easy Political Cover-Up
WASHINGTON—Following revelations this week that staffers under New Jersey Governor Chris Christie manipulated traffic in a small New Jersey town to punish its mayor, mortified Americans across the nation reported that they were shocked to learn the potential 2016 presidential candidate could possibly fumble such an…
My Fellow Americans, Look At Me: Do I Look Like A Corrupt, Vengeful Bully?
I must admit, the past two days have been the most humbling of my entire career. I was shocked and disgusted to learn of the deplorable conduct of a member of my staff, who, without my knowledge, orchestrated lane closures on the George Washington Bridge, deliberately causing major traffic congestion in order to exact…
Adopted Child Sick Of Gay Parents Forcing Him To Watch Them Have Sex
LACONIA, NH—Saying that the experience has been highly detrimental to his development as a happy, healthy, and spiritually grounded member of society, local adopted child Nicholas Brown told reporters Thursday he has grown sick and tired of his homosexual parents always forcing him to watch while they have sex.
Worst Sports Teams
Onion Sports examines the most awful teams throughout the history of athletic competition.
Tips For Getting Over The Flu
Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s tips for beating the flu:
Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter
To prevent attacks on beachgoers, Australian government researchers have tagged 338 sharks with transmitters that send out an alert via Twitter anytime one of the animals swims within a half mile of a beach. What do you you think?
Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit
EAST GARDEN CITY, NY—Speculating that he probably believes he looks all cool in his hip little outfit, patrons at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall told reporters Saturday that the mannequin in the window of Urban Outfitters must think he’s some pretty hot shit.
