BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now
NEW YORK—Several new reports indicate CBS producers are just assuming that NFL Today analyst Shannon Sharpe is doing…
Defense Needs To Be More Physical, Reports Man Slumped On Couch For Past 5 Hours
INDIANAPOLIS—While watching the NFL playoffs Saturday, local man Steve Gordon, who barely moved for five straight hours…
Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products
A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion…
Son, You’ll Thank Me For Pushing You This Hard When You’re 37 And Miserable
Listen, son, I know it might seem like I’m a little tough on you at times. Obviously nobody wants to have their dad…
‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks
NEW YORK—As three maintenance workers lugged the corpse of an unidentified man off the tracks ahead, Brooklyn-bound C…
Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta
LOS ANGELES—Admitting they couldn’t fully explain where this was coming from or why, Americans across the country were…
Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Having driven to Virginia Beach to visit his sister for a brief vacation, fast food consumer and…
Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games
BISMARCK, ND—Nine-year-old pee-wee hockey player Connor Griffin confirmed Thursday that he wishes his dad cared enough…
Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don't Boost Sales
A new study by advertising research firm Communicus found that 4 in 5 commercials that air during the Super Bowl don't…
English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says
LINCOLN, NE—Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln…
Obama Funds International Space Station Through 2024
Scrapping the plan to bring the International Space Station down to earth in 2020, the Obama administration has agreed…
Voters Shocked Christie Botched Such An Easy Political Cover-Up
WASHINGTON—Following revelations this week that staffers under New Jersey Governor Chris Christie manipulated traffic…
My Fellow Americans, Look At Me: Do I Look Like A Corrupt, Vengeful Bully?
I must admit, the past two days have been the most humbling of my entire career. I was shocked and disgusted to learn…
Adopted Child Sick Of Gay Parents Forcing Him To Watch Them Have Sex
LACONIA, NH—Saying that the experience has been highly detrimental to his development as a happy, healthy, and…
Worst Sports Teams
Onion Sports examines the most awful teams throughout the history of athletic competition.
Tips For Getting Over The Flu
Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s…
Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter
To prevent attacks on beachgoers, Australian government researchers have tagged 338 sharks with transmitters that send…
Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit
EAST GARDEN CITY, NY—Speculating that he probably believes he looks all cool in his hip little outfit, patrons at the…