President Curbing NSA Spying
In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence…
Report: ‘Swamp Thing’ And ‘The Return Of Swamp Thing’ Just 2 Of Literally Thousands Of Movies
LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Wednesday by the American Film Institute, the 1982 motion picture Swamp Thing…
Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions
DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed…
Michelle Obama Turns 50
First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow…
Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats
In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view…
The Onion’s Oscar Picks
Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s…
Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson
WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in…
Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement
NEW YORK—Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the…
God Admits He Rarely Forgives
THE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and…
Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’
SEATTLE—Claiming the message was long overdue, players for the Seattle Seahawks issued a group statement Thursday…
Royals Courting Masahiro Tanaka By Highlighting Kansas City’s Rich Japanese History
KANSAS CITY—In a meeting that included an elaborate tea ceremony, the Kansas City Royals made their bid to sign prized…
Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr To Perform At Grammys
Surviving Beatles Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will perform together at this year’s Grammy Awards on January 26.…
Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home
Following allegations last week that Justin Bieber threw eggs at a neighbor’s house, police raided the teen pop idol’s…
Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave
BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources…
Tips For Getting Pregnant
While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and…
Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie
LOS GATOS, CA—In a swift and unexpected departure from their present business model, officials from Netflix revealed…
Nation Recalls Simpler Time When Health Care System Was Broken Beyond Repair
WASHINGTON—With the Affordable Care Act now making it possible for a greater number of Americans to purchase medical…