In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Wednesday by the American Film Institute, the 1982 motion picture Swamp Thing and its 1989 sequel, The Return Of Swamp Thing, are only two of literally thousands of movies in existence.
DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed Detroit resident Chris Segel, 34, reportedly expressed disappointment Friday upon realizing the job opening he’d been considering was with the Lions. “Aw man, I was actually excited about this, but just…
First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow night, which has been described on official invitations as an evening of “Snacks & Sips & Dancing & Dessert.” What do you think?
In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative. What do you think?
Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory. Here are The Onion’s predictions of who will take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in supplication to the 54-year-old star, the nation’s mothers danced naked around a moonlit bonfire last night to conjure the spirit of English actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson. “The door is open,…
NEW YORK—Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the concept of the American Dream, the widely held aspiration among U.S. citizens of achieving financial security and personal happiness, now consists entirely of receiving a substantial out-of-court…
THE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an individual.
SEATTLE—Claiming the message was long overdue, players for the Seattle Seahawks issued a group statement Thursday imploring the team’s passionate, vocal fan base to shut the fuck up. “Hey, assholes, shut the fuck up and stop running your fucking mouths,” running back Marshawn Lynch said on behalf of the Seahawks…
KANSAS CITY—In a meeting that included an elaborate tea ceremony, the Kansas City Royals made their bid to sign prized right-hander Masahiro Tanaka by highlighting their city’s vibrant Japanese history, sources confirmed Thursday. “From several world-class Tang Dynasty art museums to the countless Buddhist temples and…
Surviving Beatles Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will perform together at this year’s Grammy Awards on January 26. What do you think?
Following allegations last week that Justin Bieber threw eggs at a neighbor’s house, police raided the teen pop idol’s Calabasas mansion yesterday morning. What do you think?
BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave. “Sure, I’ll have some,” said the mama bear flower girl, accepting a long, mellow toke…
While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and difficult ordeal. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that you and your partner conceive quickly and easily:
LOS GATOS, CA—In a swift and unexpected departure from their present business model, officials from Netflix revealed Wednesday that the company is currently considering adding a good movie to their online streaming service. “With the growing success of the streaming platform, we thought the time was right to think…
WASHINGTON—With the Affordable Care Act now making it possible for a greater number of Americans to purchase medical coverage, the nation looked back this week and fondly recalled a simpler time when its health care system was broken beyond any hope of repair.
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