In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie. What do you think?
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Caroming wildly around the locker room following the Super Bowl on Sunday, a panicked Marshawn Lynch reportedly informed teammates that he couldn’t figure out how to deactivate Beast Mode. “Help me, help me!” said the Seattle Seahawks running back as he stiff-armed head coach Pete Carroll and…
NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl.
The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disoriented by the effects of years of violent head trauma, Fox analyst and Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer Troy Aikman fruitlessly attempted to come up with a Super Bowl memory for an on-air anecdote during Sunday’s broadcast, sources confirmed. “When I was playing in the’94 Super Bowl, I remember…
Rutgers University in New Jersey will offer a course titled “Politicizing Beyoncé” as part of its Department of Women’s and Gender Studies, which will focus on the pop singer’s career as a means of studying gender, race, and sexual politics. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—While experts agree you’ve been remarkably successful so far at keeping up the ruse that you’re a capable, worthwhile individual, a new report out this week indicates that today is the day they finally figure out you’re a complete and utter fraud.
EVANSTON, IL—According to a new study published this week by Northwestern University, an estimated 60 percent of parents are simply too tied up in lengthy divorce proceedings at the moment to worry about their child’s safety on the football field. “Our findings indicate that over half of parents who have a child…
Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII.
Strengths: Prominently featured in OSN’s Super Bowl guide; Came up with the “of” part in “Legion of Boom”
Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws
Strengths: Speed and size allow him to easily evade reporters; Works well with holes, openings, gaps
Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height