Xylophonist Shredding It
Chelsea Clinton Expecting First Child
Chelsea Clinton announced on Thursday that she's expecting her first child with husband Marc Mezvinsky later this fall. What do you think?
Man Attempting To Determine Whether Restaurant Closed Without Getting Too Close
BALTIMORE—As he squinted and craned his neck in an effort to peer through the establishment’s front windows from the sidewalk across the street, local man Shane Peterson confided to reporters Friday that he was attempting to ascertain whether the cafe and bakery was actually closed without having to get too close. “I…
Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar
MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the official state calendar. “The State of Alabama has officially observed Bo Bice…
Jaguars Surprised By String Of Prospects Openly Discussing Prior Drug Use, Criminal Activity During Interviews
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that the players completely squandered the opportunity to be selected third overall in this year’s NFL Draft, bewildered officials from the Jacksonville Jaguars front office confirmed Friday that a large number of top prospects readily offered to discuss their prior drug use and criminal…
Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt
From the White House lawn to the family yard, children across the nation will soon join in the popular holiday tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. Here are some tips for planning the perfect Easter egg hunt:
Online Wizarding University Opens For Harry Potter Fans
Die-hard fans of the Harry Potter series have opened Hogwarts Is Here, a free online university open to “all aspiring witches and wizards” where students enroll in nine-week courses based on classes Harry takes in the books. What do you think?
Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today
BOONEVILLE, MS—Surveying the eight gas pumps from his post behind the counter at the Walker Avenue Shell station, local clerk Marvin Peters told reporters he was especially pleased to see pump 2 performing so well among customers Thursday. “Pump 2 definitely gets short shrift because it’s not the easiest to pull into…
Fisher-Price Designer Would Like To See 2-Year-Old Try And Choke On Newest Version
EAST AURORA, NY—Remarking upon the toy’s lack of removable parts and childproof battery compartment, Fisher-Price designer Matthew Hayden told reporters Thursday that he’d like to see a 2-year-old just try and choke on the newest version of the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail. “I’m telling you, this thing is rock…
‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ Sequel In The Works
The Hollywood Reporter announced that after a decade of delays and script rewrites, film studio Fox 2000 is making a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire, the 1993 hit movie starring Robin Williams about a dad who cross-dresses as an elderly Scottish nanny. What do you think?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Thursday that millions nationwide are signing up for Squandr, a new social discovery app employing GPS technology to match users with others in their vicinity who also wasted $2.99 on the same software. “For me, it’s just a fun, no-risk way to meet new people and talk about how we all blew a…
Moviegoer Manages To Sneak Candy Past Teenage Usher Earning $7 An Hour
WESTBOROUGH, MA—Executing a plan he had carefully devised and practiced in his mind several times, local moviegoer Kevin Shepard managed to sneak his own candy past the teenage Regal Cinema usher earning $7 an hour Thursday, sources confirmed. “I made it. All I had to do was tuck the Crunch bar and gummy bears into my…
Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family
DETROIT—Following several years of lackluster performance and unmet expectations under his own roof, Detroit Pistons president of basketball operations Joe Dumars announced this week that he will be stepping down in order to spend more time rebuilding his family from the ground up. “While I have a lot of good memories…
Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Suggest Early Man Was Battling A Lot Of Inner Demons
CANTABRIA, SPAIN—An archaeological team from the University of Cambridge announced Wednesday the discovery of cave paintings in northern Spain that suggest prehistoric humans battled a variety of inner demons, nagging fears, and insecurities that plagued them as they struggled with life’s demands in the Paleolithic…
