Abercrombie & Fitch Dropping Logos From Clothes
After years of plummeting sales, Abercrombie & Fitch has announced that it will drop its once-prized logos from all of…
Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status
WASHINGTON—A new survey published Friday by Gallup researchers revealed that an overwhelming majority of illegal…
Doctors Optimistic Sam Bradford 2 Months Away From Beginning Work On Broadcasting Career
ST. LOUIS—Stressing that the 26-year-old is remaining positive during his initial recovery from a second season-ending…
Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Moments after taking generous servings from the first several steam trays at all-you-can-eat…
Researchers: Panda Faked Pregnancy To Get More Bamboo
After discovering the marsupial wasn't actually pregnant as believed, researchers at the Chengu Giant Panda Breeding…
Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way
MANKATO, MN—Saying his dedication in the film room and on the practice field is beginning to yield dividends, members…
‘Hello Kitty’ Actually A British Schoolgirl
Fans of “Hello Kitty” were shocked after the curator for a new retrospective exhibit at the Japanese American National…
A Look At The Class Of 2018
Next week, millions of freshmen will begin classes at colleges around the nation. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the…
Secretary Of Interior Says Knocking Down Rocky Mountains Could Really Open Nation Up
WASHINGTON—Saying the renovation project will give the country a more modern look, U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally…
Koch Brothers Encouraging Youth To Make Voices Heard By Registering Super PAC
WICHITA, KS—Saying that perspectives of young Americans are rarely represented in today’s political discourse, Koch…
New Rec Room Has Everything A Teen Could Want, Reports Church Youth Pastor
FINDLAY, OH—Saying the space would offer a laid-back atmosphere and a variety of fun activities for young people,…
Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner
CHICAGO—A study released Thursday by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology has found that debilitating…
Report: Female Interns Earn Only Three-Fourths Of College Credit That Male Counterparts Do
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, female interns earn…
New ‘Smart Polo’ Detects Wearer’s Stress Levels
At the U.S. Open this week, Ralph Lauren debuted new wearable technology called the “Smart Polo” shirt, which uses…
Arby’s Offering Secret ‘Meat Mountain’ Sandwich For Those Who Ask
After Arby’s released an advertisement with an image of a huge stack of meat and started receiving requests from…
Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To
FERGUSON, MO—An audiotape released yesterday that purportedly captures the shooting death of teenager Michael Brown at…