Serial Killer Makes Impassioned Case For Protecting Local Marsh
CHESTER, KY—Expressing his fear that development would destroy the pristine and secluded location, area serial killer…
Archaeologists Discover Dracula’s Dungeon
Archaeologists say they have discovered a dungeon that once imprisoned Vlad the Impaler, the medieval prince who is…
Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What
LOS ALTOS, CA—Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app…
Man Uses Weekend To Make Totally Different Mistakes Than He Did During Workweek
SPOKANE, WA—Grateful to have a couple of days free from his job responsibilities, sales representative Sam Roslindale…
Fantasy Football Week 5: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting…
NFL Floats Idea Of 18-Game Week
NEW YORK—Saying that the proposal has already received support from each of the league’s 32 owners, NFL commissioner…
Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin
GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer…
New ‘Twilight’ Films To Be Released Exclusively On Facebook
Lionsgate has announced that the studio is partnering with Facebook to produce five short Twilight films exclusively…
Archaeologists Discover Cave Where Ancient Humans First Had To Pretend To Like Friend’s Art
VALLON-PONT-D’ARC, FRANCE—Saying the discovery sheds light on social dynamics dating as far back as 30,000 BC, an…
Viagra Ads Aimed At Women For First Time
In the first marketing effort of its kind since Pfizer released the erectile dysfunction medication Viagra over 15…
Workaholic Dad Misses Only One Or Two Accomplishments In Unimpressive Child’s Life
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Despite spending as many as 80 hours a week at the office, local father Michael Henderson told…
Area Dad Just Wants To Watch One 7-Hour Block Of Television Without Interruption
MAPLE GROVE, MN—Saying that he didn’t think it was too much to ask, area father Joseph Sanborn, 48, reportedly told…
How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola
This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak…
Fantasy League Commissioner’s Main Responsibility Is Coaxing Jake Into Giving A Shit
BRIDGEPORT, CT—Explaining that while he spends some time approving various trades and making necessary point…
Seventh-Grader Receiving More One-On-One Bullying Since Transferring To Private School
HOUSTON—Saying he no longer feels like just another face in the crowd, local seventh-grader Evan Christiano told…
Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice
CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United…
Students Thankful Standardized Curriculum Sparing Them From Free-Spirited Teacher’s Antics
HAVERHILL, MA—Conveying their eagerness to dodge the possibility of any classroom role-playing exercises or featured…