NYC Officials Assure Public Most Puddles Of Bodily Fluid On Streets Not Contaminated With Ebola

NEW YORK—Hoping to downplay fears of a potential Ebola outbreak in New York City, health officials assured residents Friday that most puddles of bodily fluid found on the streets are not contaminated with the deadly Ebola virus. “I want to emphasize that the pools of vomit, urine, and other fluids people may notice as…

Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends’ Funerals

PRESCOTT, AZ—Noting that the regular outings have improved the physical health and well-being of the aging couple, the children of Robert and Patricia Doyle told reporters Friday that their elderly parents were staying active by frequently attending their friends’ funerals. “It’s a nice excuse for them to get out of…

Local Man Almost Finished Collecting Fantasy Football Winnings From 2005

ROSELAND, NJ—Noting that most of his friends have now paid him the $20 they each owed him, local 29-year-old Matt Fanelli confirmed Friday that he is almost done collecting the full $200 prize from winning his “Cowher’s Stache” ESPN fantasy football league in 2005. “I had to keep reminding Andrew about it, but I…

Jets Amazed By Percy Harvin’s Willingness To Fight In Huddle

NEW YORK—Citing the 26-year-old’s relentless attitude and utter refusal to ever give in, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan told reporters Thursday that the team has been amazed by newly acquired wide receiver Percy Harvin’s willingness to fight inside the huddle. “He’s only been with us for a few days, but Percy…

Report: Advertisers Threatening To Pull Money Now The Only Remaining Way To Effect Any Change

WASHINGTON—Confirming that civic engagement, democratic elections, and other large-scale efforts had effectively ceased to have any influence, a report published Thursday from the Pew Research Center determined that advertisers threatening to pull out of a sponsorship deal is now the sole remaining means of bringing…