Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror
A French village has imposed a ban on people wearing clown costumes this Halloween after pranksters dressed as scary…
Report: 80% Of All Traffic Accidents Caused By Drivers Gawking At Shirtless Hunks
WASHINGTON—Signaling an alarming and dangerous trend for the nation’s motorists, the U.S. Department of Transportation…
Fourth-Graders Differ Over How Much Allergic Classmate’s Face Swelled Up
SAN JOSE, CA—With estimates ranging from “two marshmallows smushed together” to “the size of a basketball,”…
Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter
TACOMA, WA—Saying she’s ready to have some fun and meet somebody new, local single mother Denise Tripp told reporters…
Alabama Boosters Under Fire After Paying For Nick Saban’s Sex Change
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Drawing widespread condemnation from fans and pundits alike, boosters from the University of Alabama…
Fantasy Football Week 9: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting…
New Dating Website My420Mate.com Matches Pot-Smoking Couples
Joining niche dating websites like StarTrekDating.com and MulletPassions.com, the new dating website My420Mate.com…
Study: Men With 20 Or More Sexual Partners At Lower Risk Of Prostate Cancer
According to a new study from researchers at the University of Montreal, men who had slept with 20 or more women were…
Groom Admits Bride Could Have Looked A Bit More Radiant On Wedding Day
CHICOPEE, MA—Recalling that the sight of his bride barely weakened his knees as he stood waiting at the altar, local…
Sportswriter Has Hunch Team Will Use Bye Week To Get Healthy
DETROIT—Admitting that his hunch is entirely unsubstantiated, ESPN sportswriter Michael Rothstein reportedly proposed…
Thrill-Seeking Man Wonders How Long He Can Keep Up Dangerous Sedentary Lifestyle
PHOENIX—Acknowledging that it’s only a matter of time before his high-risk pursuits finally catch up to him, local…
McDonald’s Unveils New Slogan: Lovin’ Beats Hatin’
After losing popularity with millennial consumers who are increasingly choosing Chipotle, McDonald’s unveiled its new…
2-Year-Old Never Thought He Would Live To See Giants Win World Series
SAN FRANCISCO—Joyously celebrating after his hometown team defeated the Kansas City Royals to clinch the championship,…