A French village has imposed a ban on people wearing clown costumes this Halloween after pranksters dressed as scary clowns roved the streets terrorizing residents with pistols, knives, and bats. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Signaling an alarming and dangerous trend for the nation’s motorists, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Friday revealing that four out of five traffic accidents are caused by drivers taking their eyes off the road to ogle shirtless hunks.
SAN JOSE, CA—With estimates ranging from “two marshmallows smushed together” to “the size of a basketball,” fourth-graders at Greystone Elementary differed in opinion over how much their allergic classmate’s face swelled up during recess, sources said Friday. “Caleb said Eric’s face puffed up like a bag of microwave…
TACOMA, WA—Saying she’s ready to have some fun and meet somebody new, local single mother Denise Tripp told reporters Friday she hopes to get back out there and start dating again during the half hour or so each week when she’s not busy working or raising her 8-year-old daughter. “It will be wonderful getting to know…
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Drawing widespread condemnation from fans and pundits alike, boosters from the University of Alabama Crimson Tide Foundation are facing heavy criticism after it was revealed Friday that the organization fully funded head football coach Nick Saban’s sex reassignment surgery. “We’re willing to do whatever…
Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Joining niche dating websites like StarTrekDating.com and MulletPassions.com, the new dating website My420Mate.com matches couples who both enjoy smoking pot as part of their lifestyle. What do you think?
According to a new study from researchers at the University of Montreal, men who had slept with 20 or more women were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer, though the findings have been disputed by other researchers. What do you think?
CHICOPEE, MA—Recalling that the sight of his bride barely weakened his knees as he stood waiting at the altar, local newlywed Aaron Kraus admitted to reporters Thursday that his wife could have looked a little bit more radiant on their wedding day last weekend. “I’ll be honest, when I first saw her enter the church…
DETROIT—Admitting that his hunch is entirely unsubstantiated, ESPN sportswriter Michael Rothstein reportedly proposed Thursday that the Detroit Lions are using their current bye week to get healthy. “I’ve been covering football for a while, so I have a pretty good feeling the Lions are taking advantage of this off…
PHOENIX—Acknowledging that it’s only a matter of time before his high-risk pursuits finally catch up to him, local thrill-seeker Daniel Erickson told reporters Wednesday that he often wonders just how long he can keep up his extremely hazardous sedentary lifestyle.
After losing popularity with millennial consumers who are increasingly choosing Chipotle, McDonald’s unveiled its new tagline, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’,” which officials say aims to spread love amidst hate for the brand on the internet. What do you think?
SAN FRANCISCO—Joyously celebrating after his hometown team defeated the Kansas City Royals to clinch the championship, local 2-year-old Daniel Balane admitted to reporters Wednesday night that he never thought he would actually see the San Francisco Giants win a World Series in his lifetime. “I’ve waited my whole life…
