High School Band Teacher Spends 85% Of Rehearsal Hammering In Dress Code For Holiday Concert

SAN JOSE, CA—Emphasizing the importance of his instructions by raising his voice and repeating crucial points, Leland High School band teacher Jeff Amos reportedly spent 85 percent of Friday’s rehearsal hammering in the dress code for the school’s upcoming holiday concert. “It’s black turtlenecks with full-length…

Advertisement

James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film’s Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire

NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire. “A Bond film is known for its exotic locales, so I get a little nervous when I read about Sam Mendes…

Overworked Prosecutor Thinking Of Taking Police Brutality Case As A Little Vacation

CLEVELAND—Reasoning that he has earned some much-needed rest and relaxation, overworked Cuyahoga County prosecutor Brian Gorman told reporters Thursday that he is thinking of taking on a police brutality case as a nice little vacation. “Honestly, I’ve had a pretty grueling caseload over the past few months, so I’m…

Barry Sanders Figures It His Turn To Pull Stint As Mentor For One Of League’s Fuckups

WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI—Saying that he has generally avoided taking on the responsibility during his retirement, Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders told reporters Thursday that he figures it’s probably his turn to pull a stint as a mentor for one of the NFL’s young fuckups. “Well, Deion Sanders, Tony Dungy, and Ray…