No One At CBS Remembers Hiring O.J. Simpson As Color Commentator
NEW YORK—Claiming that their hiring protocol for on-air talent is usually very meticulous, sources at CBS confirmed…
Wife Kept Up All Night By Kevin Garnett Talking Trash In Sleep
NEW YORK—Saying she has still not grown accustomed to the irritating habit despite being married to the Brooklyn Nets…
Fantasy Football Week 14: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting…
KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal
LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer,…
Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures
VATICAN CITY—Hoping to have all his holiday decorations up by the weekend, His Holiness Pope Francis has spent the past…
Man’s Family Rises To Record-High Fourth Priority
WALTHAM, MA—After years of its climbing no higher than the ninth slot, sources confirmed Friday that area man Alan…
High School Band Teacher Spends 85% Of Rehearsal Hammering In Dress Code For Holiday Concert
SAN JOSE, CA—Emphasizing the importance of his instructions by raising his voice and repeating crucial points, Leland…
Women Growing Out, Dyeing Armpit Hair In New Trend
Websites are reporting that more women are choosing to grow out their underarm hair and dye it bold colors like pink,…
How Grand Juries Reach A Decision
The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process…
James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film’s Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire
NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday…
Chokehold Ruling Puts Police Body Camera Plan In Doubt
Earlier this week, President Obama proposed a spending package to equip police with body-worn cameras, which critics…
Overworked Prosecutor Thinking Of Taking Police Brutality Case As A Little Vacation
CLEVELAND—Reasoning that he has earned some much-needed rest and relaxation, overworked Cuyahoga County prosecutor…
Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight
BALTIMORE—Expressing frustration over the lack of any new text notifications on his phone, disheartened Southwest…
Police Officer Demonstrates Proper Technique For Subduing Grand Jury
NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson…
Barry Sanders Figures It His Turn To Pull Stint As Mentor For One Of League’s Fuckups
WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI—Saying that he has generally avoided taking on the responsibility during his retirement, Hall of…