NEW YORK—Claiming that their hiring protocol for on-air talent is usually very meticulous, sources at CBS confirmed Sunday that no one within the network can actually remember deciding to hire O.J. Simpson as a color commentator. “He showed up wearing a CBS Sports blazer, grabbed a mic, and just headed into the…
NEW YORK—Saying she has still not grown accustomed to the irritating habit despite being married to the Brooklyn Nets power forward for a decade, Brandi Garnett revealed to reporters that she was once again kept up the whole night Thursday by her husband talking trash in his sleep. “I must have woken up four different…
Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this week. “Our bold new Road Bucket is exactly what KFC and Midas fans have been…
VATICAN CITY—Hoping to have all his holiday decorations up by the weekend, His Holiness Pope Francis has spent the past two hours rummaging through the basement of the papal apartments in search of the Vatican’s plastic nativity scene figures, sources confirmed Friday.
WALTHAM, MA—After years of its climbing no higher than the ninth slot, sources confirmed Friday that area man Alan Stokes’ family rose to the 48-year-old’s record-high fourth priority. “It’s really impressive to see Emily and the kids suddenly vault into the top five of what matters to him in life,” said a source…
SAN JOSE, CA—Emphasizing the importance of his instructions by raising his voice and repeating crucial points, Leland High School band teacher Jeff Amos reportedly spent 85 percent of Friday’s rehearsal hammering in the dress code for the school’s upcoming holiday concert. “It’s black turtlenecks with full-length…
Websites are reporting that more women are choosing to grow out their underarm hair and dye it bold colors like pink, blue, and green, with one participant writing in a blog post, “By having hairy pits, I am exercising my right to make my own choices about my own body.” What do you think?
The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whether or not there is enough evidence to bring charges against a…
NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire. “A Bond film is known for its exotic locales, so I get a little nervous when I read about Sam Mendes…
Earlier this week, President Obama proposed a spending package to equip police with body-worn cameras, which critics now doubt will bring clarity and accountability to their actions in light of a grand jury’s decision not to indict a police officer shown on tape putting an unarmed man in a chokehold, leading to his…
CLEVELAND—Reasoning that he has earned some much-needed rest and relaxation, overworked Cuyahoga County prosecutor Brian Gorman told reporters Thursday that he is thinking of taking on a police brutality case as a nice little vacation. “Honestly, I’ve had a pretty grueling caseload over the past few months, so I’m…
BALTIMORE—Expressing frustration over the lack of any new text notifications on his phone, disheartened Southwest Airlines passenger Shawn Woods confirmed Thursday that he had expected to receive at least one message upon checking the device after his flight. “It was a four-hour flight, so I assumed I’d get a text…
NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson demonstrated the proper technique for subduing a grand jury to a group of younger officers Thursday. “First and foremost, it’s important to get a strong, firm hold on the state-level district…
WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI—Saying that he has generally avoided taking on the responsibility during his retirement, Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders told reporters Thursday that he figures it’s probably his turn to pull a stint as a mentor for one of the NFL’s young fuckups. “Well, Deion Sanders, Tony Dungy, and Ray…
