No One Sure If Academy Awards After-Party Going To Have Food
LOS ANGELES—Saying they’d be a bit surprised if there wasn’t at least something to nibble on, the 1,500 invitees to the…
Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together
HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens,…
Dolby Theatre Hunchback Stares Longingly At Beautiful Guests From Rafters
LOS ANGELES—Perched forlornly in the rafters above the merriment of the 87th Annual Academy Awards, the Dolby Theatre…
‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower
WASHINGTON—Muttering softly under his breath as he leaned his head against the tiled bathroom wall, President Barack…
Walmart Raising Wages
Amid pressure from labor groups to provide its workforce with a better living wage, Walmart has announced that it will…
76ers Afraid To Kick Bunch Of Tough-Looking Guys Off Practice Court
PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the men currently engaged in the four-on-four pickup game are “really big” and “seem kind…
Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film
LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at…
Oklahoma Votes To Ban AP U.S. History
Believing that the coursework casts American history in a negative light, state legislators in Oklahoma voted this week…
Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism
President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of…
New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine
EAGAN, MN—After tentatively approaching the extensive rack of dumbbells located along the gym’s wall, new Bally Total…
Little Caesars Introduces Bacon Crust Pizza
National pizza chain Little Caesars announced it will begin selling the “Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish” pizza on…
New Education Initiative Replaces K-12 Curriculum With Single Standardized Test
WASHINGTON—Citing the need to measure student achievement as its top priority, the U.S. Department of Education…
Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia, the majority…
Man Illegally Streaming Game Fends Off Pop-Up Ads With Surgical Precision
JACKSON, MI—Navigating through a barrage of new windows and dialog boxes as he attempted to watch a game between the…
Report: Uber Adding ‘Panic Button’ For Chicago Passengers
According to a report in the Chicago Sun-Times, Uber is adding a “panic button” to its Chicago smartphone app that…