BYU Fans Rush CBS Broadcasting Studio Following Upset Selection Into NCAA Tournament

NEW YORK—Tearing past crew members and camera equipment as they leapt onto the stage, throngs of ecstatic Brigham Young University fans reportedly stormed the CBS Sports broadcasting studio Sunday night following the Cougars’ triumphant upset selection into this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament. “We did it!…

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Peter King Realizes Fight With Wife Really About Disappointment In Raiders’ Offseason Moves

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Midway through an impassioned argument with his wife Friday morning, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King reportedly came to the realization that the fight was actually about his disappointment in the Oakland Raiders’ lackluster roster moves this offseason. “Honey, I didn’t mean to snap at you like…

Fantasy Baseball Commissioner Plumbs Deepest Depths Of Friend Circle To Find 12th Participant

STAFFORD, VA—Broadening his search to include anyone he knows with even a remote interest in sports, local 29-year-old Jeff Ludwin plumbed the furthest depths of his friend circle while attempting to find a 12th participant for his fantasy baseball league, sources confirmed Thursday. “I don’t really know Mike that…

Texas Now Regretting Wasting Doses Of Pancuronium Bromide On Innocent Guys Back In 1997, 2000, 2004

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Noting that their prison system’s supply of lethal injection drugs continues to dwindle as more manufacturers agree to halt sales, sources within the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed Thursday that they now regret wasting doses of pancuronium bromide on innocent prisoners in 1997, 2000, and…

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Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second

NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more than 10,000 ethical violations per second. “With this new automated…

High Schooler Promises To Have Man’s Impregnated Daughter Home By Midnight

BARTERFELD, TX—In an effort to demonstrate respect toward his date’s father, high school senior Marty DeLesko promised Patrick Bannon he would have the local man’s soon-to-be pregnant daughter home by midnight at the latest, sources reported Thursday. “Don’t worry, sir, we won’t stay out too late,” said the…

Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It

ATHENS, GA—Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret.…