NEW YORK—Tearing past crew members and camera equipment as they leapt onto the stage, throngs of ecstatic Brigham Young University fans reportedly stormed the CBS Sports broadcasting studio Sunday night following the Cougars’ triumphant upset selection into this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament. “We did it!…
A photographer has sparked backlash for posting pictures from a photoshoot she did for a military family in which she wrapped their newborn baby in an American flag, which led Facebook users to accuse her of desecrating the flag and being disrespectful. What do you think?
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Midway through an impassioned argument with his wife Friday morning, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King reportedly came to the realization that the fight was actually about his disappointment in the Oakland Raiders’ lackluster roster moves this offseason. “Honey, I didn’t mean to snap at you like…
BOSTON—Mobilizing from various corners of the seating area to form a unified front, an unlikely team of allies at Logan International Airport rallied together at gate B32 to take on the American Airlines boarding agent, sources reported Friday. “If we’re allowed two carry-ons I don’t get why we’re being told to check…
While there are still six more prisoners on death row, Texas is reportedly down to its last dose of pentobarbital after executing a prisoner last week, giving it only enough substance for one more lethal injection. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.
PHOENIX—Reveling in a brief period during which it was reasonably free of any toxic substances, local man Trevor Gipson’s bloodstream reportedly enjoyed an hour-long intermission Friday between its daily coffee and alcohol blitzes. Sources confirmed that the blood flowing through Gipson’s body savored all 60 minutes…
Teenagers at a high school in New Mexico have voted to make the theme of their prom communism and name the event “Prom-munism,” prompting the head of the school to plan a talk with the students about what communism really means so they can decide whether they want to celebrate it. What do you think?
STAFFORD, VA—Broadening his search to include anyone he knows with even a remote interest in sports, local 29-year-old Jeff Ludwin plumbed the furthest depths of his friend circle while attempting to find a 12th participant for his fantasy baseball league, sources confirmed Thursday. “I don’t really know Mike that…
HUNTSVILLE, TX—Noting that their prison system’s supply of lethal injection drugs continues to dwindle as more manufacturers agree to halt sales, sources within the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed Thursday that they now regret wasting doses of pancuronium bromide on innocent prisoners in 1997, 2000, and…
WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a late-night party. “Thanks so much, you guys; I promise I’ll be way more…
NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more than 10,000 ethical violations per second. “With this new automated…
Fast food chain Burger King has quietly dropped sodas and other sugary beverages from children’s menus and replaced them with low-fat milk and low-fat chocolate milk. What do you think?
BARTERFELD, TX—In an effort to demonstrate respect toward his date’s father, high school senior Marty DeLesko promised Patrick Bannon he would have the local man’s soon-to-be pregnant daughter home by midnight at the latest, sources reported Thursday. “Don’t worry, sir, we won’t stay out too late,” said the…
ATHENS, GA—Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret.…
EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all members to undergo mandatory racial sensitivity hazing. “Effective immediately,…
