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Man Filled With Gratitude At Sight Of Other Customer In Nice Restaurant Wearing Jeans

HOBOKEN, NJ—Assuaging the initial panic he felt after noticing the formal attire of other patrons around him, 29-year-old Keith Vaughn was said to be overcome with gratitude Thursday when he finally spotted another customer wearing jeans at local bistro L’Etoile. “Oh, thank God,” Vaughn reportedly said to himself, his…

Report: Getting Massages At Airports Apparently Part Of Certain People’s Lives

DENVER—Noting that there were, in fact, several customers at the XpresSpa in the Denver International Airport, sources confirmed Friday that getting a massage at the airport is apparently a part of certain people’s lives. “I guess some people must actively plan that, after they get through security, they’ll set their…

Rick Pitino Likes What He’s Seeing From Freshman Louisville Cheerleader

SEATTLE—Praising her incredible physique and wide array of intangible qualities, Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino told reporters Friday that he has absolutely loved what he’s seen thus far from freshman cheerleader Danielle Crawley. “Right now she’s a little raw, but give her time to develop and I think…

World Wildlife Fund Announces New Breeding Program To Create Way More Squirrels Than Necessary

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—While fully acknowledging that the small rodents were in no danger of extinction whatsoever, the World Wildlife Fund announced an ambitious breeding program Wednesday to produce far more squirrels than necessary. “Although there’s already a very healthy global squirrel population, this initiative…

Man Returning From Vacation Settles On Single Concise Anecdote He’ll Tell Everyone Who Asks

ST. LOUIS—Carefully choosing the exact details and wording in order to maximize its impact in a very brief period of time, local man Kyle Perry settled on a single concise anecdote that he will tell every person who asks about his vacation to the Bahamas, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’ll start with the weather, which…

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