Media Organizations Make Pilgrimage To Facebook Headquarters To Lay Content At Foot Of Mark Zuckerberg

MENLO PARK, CA—Traveling from every corner of the global media industry in hopes of bringing good favor to their organizations, emissaries from hundreds of publications reportedly made their daily pilgrimage to Facebook’s headquarters this morning in order to lay their content at the foot of Mark Zuckerberg. “Sir, I…

Outdoor Movie Guest Excited To Watch Barely Audible ‘Back To The Future’ While Sitting On Tree Root

CHARLOTTE, NC—Thrilled at the prospect of having to constantly reposition himself while straining to hear the movie’s dialogue, local man Sam Weber was excited Friday to watch a barely audible outdoor screening of Back To The Future from atop a hard, knobby tree root, sources reported. “Oh, man, I can’t wait to tiptoe…

Report: Putting Head In Hands And Moaning Quietly Still Best Way To Get Through Next Several Seconds

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A report published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia has revealed that putting your head in your hands and quietly moaning is still the best known way of getting through the next several seconds. “Our data shows that the most effective method for making it through the upcoming…