Stadium’s Pathetic Home Run Animation Doesn’t Even Show Ball Screaming While Leaving Earth

CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space. “You don’t get to see the ball’s cover fly off while…

Americans Take Brief Break From Waiting On Hold With Insurance Providers To Celebrate Obamacare Ruling

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate. “This is a great day,” said Chicago resident David Snyder, one of millions of…

Report: More American Children Raised By Carjackers Who Didn’t Realize There Was Someone In Backseat

WASHINGTON—Revealing an increase in nontraditional family structures, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that more American children are being raised by carjackers who didn’t realize there was someone in the backseat. “The number of U.S. children reared by criminals who stole a vehicle by…