Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown

GREENVILLE, SC—Insisting there is no way anyone else would be able to get ahold of the weapons in his home, local gun owner Kevin Williamson told reporters Thursday he always keeps his firearms securely locked away where only he can access them during a severe mental breakdown. “Owning firearms comes with serious…

Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously

PASADENA, CA—Upending the conventionally held assumption that the United States must exclusively be moving along a single good or bad path forward, quantum political scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a paper Thursday hypothesizing that the country is, in fact, headed in both the right and…

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