DETROIT—As the Detroit Lions entered the locker room Sunday following the first half of their game against the Chicago Bears, head coach Jim Caldwell reportedly provided every player with a three-page printout of an inspiring halftime speech. “Everyone, please take one,” Caldwell told players as he handed out copies…
Though he originally pledged to remove all U.S. troops from Afghanistan by the end of 2016, Obama announced this week that 5,500 ground troops would remain through the end of his presidency and beyond, likely in an attempt to prevent the resurgence of Taliban forces or the rise of ISIS. What do you think?
LACONIA, NH—Promising that it would only take a second, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly asked a nearby family Friday if they could take his picture for a photo op at a local fall harvest festival. “Would you folks mind getting a picture of me in front of these corn stalks?” said Graham, who…
ANAHEIM, CA—As a reward for following directions the best of all his classmates, local first-grader Daniel Reinhart received a sticker Friday recognizing his good behavior during a lockdown drill at Paul Revere Elementary School. “You did such a super job, Daniel,” said teacher Anna Jarvis, handing the beaming…
WASHINGTON—Taking into account investments by government agencies, nonprofit organizations, and private industry, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a total of $50 billion is spent annually in the U.S. to get kids excited about things. “Each day in this country, well over $100 million is…
CLARKSVILLE, TN—Noting that he had spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the matter, sources confirmed Friday that 28-year-old local man Nathan Whalen, who has no real-life career goals whatsoever, knows exactly which job he’d want in the Harry Potter universe. “I definitely think I would be a wandmaker,…
BOSTON—Amid an ongoing inquiry into the alleged use of insider information and predatory tactics by the daily fantasy sports website, FBI investigators confirmed Friday that they have had incredible difficulty keeping track of all the different DraftKings employees nicknamed “D-Blaze.” “We have uncovered some very…
Though numerous studies have cited the risk of early death in those who sit for prolonged periods at home or work, a new British study contests these claims, emphasizing that physical activity minimizes health risks much more than other options such as standing desks. What do you think?
Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?
The Washington Post reports that so far in 2015, there have been 43 cases in which U.S. children under age 3 have killed or wounded themselves or others by firing a gun, with journalists suggesting these figures could actually be an undercount due to cases that go unreported. What do you think?
HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain. “All of us in the Houston Texans organization are incredibly saddened to…
KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN—Claiming that the recent extension of U.S. military presence in Afghanistan was only a minor setback, Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor confirmed Thursday that the Islamic fundamentalists already know which Westernized schools will go first once American forces withdraw. “We already have a…
BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying he wasn’t quite president yet but that he was very, very close, Republican candidate Bobby Jindal reportedly lied to his parents Thursday about winning the 2016 GOP nomination. “Now, I don’t officially become president until I win the general election, but I’m just one step away,” said the…
WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.
MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Marriage And Family that assessed factors contributing to lasting and happy relationships, the practice of carving names into public property prolongs the time a couple is together by 30 years or more.
‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat
A series of simulations have shown that even when hospital workers follow protocols for gown and glove removal, harmful bacteria often transfers to their clothes or skin underneath and puts them at risk for infection, with researchers proposing solutions like redesigned garments that can be more easily removed or…
