CVS Cashier Can’t Wait To Accept $20 Bill From Customer Purchasing 3 Different Cough Medications

LANSING, MI—Having watched with mounting excitement as the pallid, sniffling man made his way toward her register from the pharmacy section, local CVS cashier Hannah Everson told reporters Thursday she was overjoyed at the prospect of accepting a $20 bill from a customer purchasing three different kinds of cough…

Wealthiest Americans Ominously Remind Nation They Could Easily Drop Another $10 Billion On Election

WASHINGTON—Calmly stating that they would not even need to think twice about doing so, the nation’s wealthiest individuals ominously reminded the populace during a press conference Wednesday that they could easily drop another $10 billion on the 2016 election. “We want to make it completely clear to voters that…

Majority Whip Displays Impaled Senator Outside Capitol Building As Warning To All Who Cross Party Lines

WASHINGTON—Instructing his colleagues to take a good, long look at what happens to consensus seekers, Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX) publicly displayed the impaled body of a fellow senator at the entrance to the Capitol building Thursday as a warning to anyone thinking about crossing party lines. “You see…

Inaccuracy Of Every Single Detail Forces Student Paper To Pull Story At Last Minute

NEW BRITAIN, CT—Explaining that the article did not meet the publication’s high standards, the editors of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University’s student newspaper, confirmed Wednesday that the inaccuracy of every single detail forced them to pull the issue’s top story at the last minute. “We at The…

Two-Month Freelance Gig Posted In ‘Careers’ Section Of Company’s Website

NEW YORK—Referring to the two months of contracted labor as an “opportunity,” online media company RazerWire posted a temporary graphic design freelance gig in the “Careers” section of its website, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We are looking for creative, talented people to join our team and help us grow,” read the…

Paul Ryan Discovers Half-Finished Escape Tunnel Leading Out Of Speaker’s Office

WASHINGTON—Moving a 19th-century armchair away from the mahogany-paneled wall as he rearranged his new office Wednesday, recently elected House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly stumbled upon a half-finished escape tunnel leading out of the Speaker’s chambers. “Oh, man, look at this thing—it must go back 100 feet!” said…