A new service position, a so-called social media breakup coordinator, is assisting those who have recently exited relationships by erasing exes from the client’s social feeds, manipulating website algorithms to hide updates about those exes, and removing relevant contact info from clients’ smartphones. What do you…

VERO BEACH, FL—Frequently reminding her that the year is 2015 and that she no longer lives in suburban Pennsylvania, the family of dementia sufferer Evelyn Parker, 84, keeps brutally ripping her away from the soothing, idyllic world of the 1950s, sources confirmed Friday. “No, don’t you remember, Grandma? Bill’s gone…

The MTA has announced the completion of its new ventilation facility, paired with new sidewalk grates that feature slip-resistant surfaces and smaller half-inch openings between crossbars to make them safer and more convenient for pedestrians wearing high heels. What do you think?

Manchester Metropolitan University is partnering with Pizza Hut to offer an apprenticeship program for students to spend time both in the classroom and at actual Pizza Hut locations, studying financial analysis, food production, and restaurant management. What do you think?

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Persecuted and driven into hiding because of their beliefs, the nation’s oppressed Christians reportedly huddled in a secret underground bunker late Wednesday night to decorate and light a single withered Christmas shrub.

Barcelona’s trade unions are contesting one media company’s plan to open a Woody Allen museum at the site of Pablo Picasso’s former art school, a structure built in 1775 but unused since 2009, a proposal that the unions say caters much more to tourists than residents of the city. What do you think?

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower:

CHICAGO—Sources passing through Terminal 3 of O’Hare International Airport on Thursday confirmed that a family on a two-hour layover has used the crude materials at their disposal to erect a makeshift shantytown in the vicinity of gate K3. Reports from the scene indicate the family of five has spread out over nearly a…

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Following the success of such surgeries in South Africa, the first penis transplants will soon be performed in the U.S. on veterans who have sustained genital injuries while on tours of duty, fully replacing their damaged organs with those of deceased donors. What do you think?

‘We’re Going To Have To Be Very Selective,’ Say Researchers

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents. “It’s so cute the…