‘I Can’t Do This Again,’ Shaking, Sweating Donald Trump Says After Nervously Vomiting Before Rally

CHARLESTON, SC—Doubled over a garbage can backstage at a local auditorium, a trembling, heavily perspiring Donald Trump reportedly shook his head back and forth and muttered in between bouts of nervous vomiting Friday that there was no way he could go out on stage for a campaign rally. “Don’t make me go up there and…

Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace…

Powerless Buster Olney Knows Every MLB Team’s Biggest Needs But Can Do Nothing To Address Them

NEW YORK—Lamenting that he is simply one man among a league of 30 rosters, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney expressed frustration Thursday over knowing every MLB team’s biggest offseason needs, yet being utterly powerless to address them. “Tell me: What good is it knowing every team’s biggest hot-stove free-agent…