WASHINGTON—In an attempt to pass the time while perched atop the White House roof, bored Secret Service sniper Michael Flynn centered his rifle’s crosshairs on a random tourist’s forehead Friday and softly whispered “bang, bang” to himself, sources reported. “We have an active situation—attempting to neutralize…

BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time. “We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we’re granting paid time off…

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho. “At first, he just seemed kind of quiet, but the more he’s opened up, the…

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail. “Once the…

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

A group of eight prominent women in the tech industry have teamed up to create Project Include, a nonprofit that consults with startups to “accelerate inclusion solutions” and gain diversity in the hiring process. What do you think?

A new poll found that over half of U.S. teens report feeling “addicted” to their smartphones, with a third of respondents noting daily household arguments over smartphone use. What do you think?

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending:

WASHINGTON—Having failed to prevent Donald Trump from securing their party’s presidential nomination despite a deliberate and concerted effort, members of the Republican establishment admitted being quietly relieved Thursday that the GOP was no longer their responsibility. “Boy, we were really struggling there for a…

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway. “I guess there’s not going to be a contested…

GAHANNA, OH—Talking about how fun it will be to “hang out like old times,” local 13-year-old Joey Watkins expressed excitement Thursday upon learning his older brother, who in the current job market has found no prospects for employment, has no choice but to move back home after college.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Expressing their excitement to share the historic item with visitors, Kennedy Space Center officials confirmed Thursday that the suit worn by Buzz Aldrin on February 24, 2015 when he lobbied the Senate to increase NASA funding was now on display for public viewing. “We are honored to add to our…

The nominees for the 70th annual Tony Awards were announced Tuesday, in which hit musical Hamilton swept the categories with 16 nominations, breaking the previous records set by The Producers and Billy Elliot in 2001 and 2009, respectively. What do you think?

TICONDEROGA, NY—Explaining that there is simply no way of getting around it, Fort Ticonderoga guide Peter McGillion told reporters Wednesday he now builds at least 10 additional minutes into each of his tours for everyone in the group to mount one of the historical site’s cannons like a horse. “The tour is supposed to…

WASHINGTON—Explaining that this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday they were kind of hoping for a different outcome when so many concerned citizens came together to make their voices heard. “It’s great to see millions of disaffected Americans participating in the…

Remaining Republican candidates Ted Cruz and John Kasich have both exited the presidential race after frontrunner Donald Trump’s strong showing in last night’s Indiana primary, paving the way for Trump’s presumptive nomination. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go. “So I guess that’s that—we’re off and running here,” said Oregon…