‘Bang, Bang,’ Bored White House Sniper Whispers To Self With Random Tourist’s Head In Crosshairs

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to pass the time while perched atop the White House roof, bored Secret Service sniper Michael Flynn centered his rifle’s crosshairs on a random tourist’s forehead Friday and softly whispered “bang, bang” to himself, sources reported. “We have an active situation—attempting to neutralize…

Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time

BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time. “We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we’re granting paid time off…

Nation Was Kind Of Hoping For Different Outcome When Concerned Citizens Came Together To Make Voices Heard

WASHINGTON—Explaining that this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday they were kind of hoping for a different outcome when so many concerned citizens came together to make their voices heard. “It’s great to see millions of disaffected Americans participating in the…