‘I’d Like You To Post Long, Aggressive Rants On Social Media,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Supporter’s Interpretation Of Speech

WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters after meeting with President Obama at the White House this morning, Bernie Sanders called upon his followers to post long-winded, extremely aggressive rants on social media, according to local supporter Ryan Bailey’s interpretation of the speech. “I’d like you to go on Facebook or…

Crowd At Trump Rally Realizes They’ve Been Chanting ‘We Are Frightened And Helpless’ For Last Half Hour

TAMPA, FL—Saying they had been so swept up in the excitement of the moment that they hadn’t been paying attention to what they were shouting, the crowd at a Donald Trump rally in Tampa reportedly came to the realization Wednesday that they had been chanting the phrase “We are frightened and helpless” for the past half…

Elderly Voter Never Thought She’d Get To See Female Presidential Nominee Called Heartless Ice Bitch During Her Lifetime

FAIRFAX, VA—Tearing up as she reflected on the significance of Hillary Clinton being named the presumptive Democratic candidate, 85-year-old voter Deborah Hanson told reporters Wednesday she never thought she’d get to see a female presidential nominee be called a heartless ice bitch during her lifetime. “When I was…

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are…