NEW YORK—As he made his final preparations for this week’s Republican National Convention, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters Sunday he was considering leading off his headlining speech with an exceptionally offensive sexist tirade he had been saving for the perfect occasion. “Let me tell you, this…
NEW YORK—Following Donald Trump’s official announcement that he had picked conservative Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate, prominent members of the GOP establishment reportedly expressed their relief Saturday that conventionally abhorrent beliefs would be represented on the Republican presidential…
NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit. “Right now, it feels like so many innocent people are dying in senseless…
NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday. “While this was a horrific and unspeakable…
The FBI has announced that, after 45 years, they are ending their active investigation surrounding the infamous D.B. Cooper, who hijacked a Boeing 727 in 1971 and parachuted into the mountains with a $200,000 ransom, never to be found. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Confirming reports circulating in the media, members of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign officially revealed Friday they have selected Indiana governor Mike Pence as a concrete reminder that this—all of this—is actually, legitimately happening. “I am honored to announce that Gov. Mike Pence will be…
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Despite the severely emaciated quarterback vowing to continue his protest until his four-game suspension is overturned, members of the New England Patriots told reporters Wednesday they remain hopeful that Tom Brady will end his hunger strike in time for training camp. “While Tom is adamant that his…
Indiana governor Mike Pence will reportedly be Donald Trump’s running mate on the Republican ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Pence:
LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant. “Sure, it was pretty bad and everything, but not nearly as…
With the primaries behind them, the presumptive nominees from both parties must now assess how to approach the general election. Here is how Donald Trump is strategizing his campaign moving forward:
With the primaries behind them, the presumptive nominees from both parties must now assess how to approach the general election. Here is how Hillary Clinton is strategizing her campaign moving forward:
Logo TV will soon debut the first U.S. reality dating show featuring all gay men, a series titled “Finding Prince Charming” and hosted by former ’N Sync member Lance Bass. What do you think?
NEW YORK—In a private conference Wednesday in his Trump Tower residence, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump reportedly began shaping his general election strategy with a team of his most trusted erratic impulses. “Every decision and course of action I have taken in this campaign has been made in consultation…
Carbon dating confirmed that stone tools used by capuchin monkeys in Brazil date back to the 1300s, suggesting South American monkeys wielded tools much earlier than previously thought, and perhaps even inadvertently imparted their technique of shelling cashews to 15th-century explorers. What do you think?
Texas Governor Greg Abbott has imposed a new requirement that abortion providers turn over fetal remains to a funeral home for burial or cremation, a measure already in effect in Arkansas, Georgia, and Ohio. What do you think?
LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings. “Sure, these wings are a little bit older, and the…
WASHINGTON—Taking action to protect the rapidly dwindling vital resource, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday that would preserve the last remaining expanse of common ground in the nation. “America’s common ground is one of our country’s most valuable assets, and one that is under threat today…
SACRAMENTO, CA—Admitting that her lack of a Facebook account often leaves her feeling disconnected, local woman Laura Starling confirmed Wednesday that she’s entirely out of touch with her friends’ prejudices. “I never got around to joining Facebook, so I’m basically in the dark about what kind of narrow-minded…
Reversing months of lagging sales, the release of Nintendo’s smartphone game Pokémon Go has resulted in a 25 percent jump in the company’s stock, with a daily active user base set to surpass both Twitter and Tinder. What do you think?
A judge has ordered Macy’s to halt the practice of detaining suspected shoplifters within holding cells at their stores and releasing them into police custody upon payment of a fine, a controversial theft protocol known as civil recovery. What do you think?
