Vol 52 Issue 31 - America's Finest News Source | The Onion

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Vol 52 Issue 31

Aug 13 2016

Photo Finish8/13/16

A-Rod’s Number Reissued Immediately After Game

Photo Finish8/13/16

A-Rod’s Number Reissued Immediately After Game

Aug 12 2016

Sports News In Brief8/12/16

Yankees Honor Retiring A-Rod With 3-Second Tribute Video

Sports News In Brief8/12/16

Yankees Honor Retiring A-Rod With 3-Second Tribute Video

Aug 12 2016

American Voices8/12/16

American Voices8/12/16

Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old

Aug 12 2016

Sports News In Brief8/12/16

Yankees Sign A-Rod To 10-Year, $420 Million Front Office Consultant Contract

Sports News In Brief8/12/16

Yankees Sign A-Rod To 10-Year, $420 Million Front Office Consultant Contract

Aug 12 2016

News in Brief8/12/16

New Biblical Text Reveals God First Sent Christ To Save Elk As Practice

News in Brief8/12/16

New Biblical Text Reveals God First Sent Christ To Save Elk As Practice

Aug 12 2016

Slideshow8/12/16

A-Rod Retires: Looking Back At The Greatest Player In Biogenesis History

Slideshow8/12/16

A-Rod Retires: Looking Back At The Greatest Player In Biogenesis History

Aug 12 2016

News in Brief8/12/16

Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows

News in Brief8/12/16

Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows

Aug 12 2016

News in Brief8/12/16

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

News in Brief8/12/16

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

Aug 12 2016

American Voices8/12/16

American Voices8/12/16

Capping Pollution Could Save Thousands Of Lives

Aug 11 2016

American Voices8/11/16

American Voices8/11/16

Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower

Aug 11 2016

News in Brief8/11/16

Trump’s Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Can’t Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain

News in Brief8/11/16

Trump’s Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Can’t Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain

Aug 11 2016

News in Brief8/11/16

Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs

News in Brief8/11/16

Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs

Aug 11 2016

News in Brief8/11/16

Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else

News in Brief8/11/16

Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else

Aug 11 2016

Sports News In Brief8/11/16

Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered

Sports News In Brief8/11/16

Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered

Aug 11 2016

American Voices8/11/16

American Voices8/11/16

Book Lovers Might Live Longer

Aug 11 2016

News in Brief8/11/16

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

News in Brief8/11/16

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

Aug 11 2016

Infographic8/11/16

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

Infographic8/11/16

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

Aug 11 2016

Sports News In Brief8/11/16

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

Sports News In Brief8/11/16

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

Aug 10 2016

Sports News In Brief8/10/16

Michael Phelps Proudly Describes How Infant Son Subsists Off 12,000 Calories’ Worth Of Breast Milk Per Day

Sports News In Brief8/10/16

Michael Phelps Proudly Describes How Infant Son Subsists Off 12,000 Calories’ Worth Of Breast Milk Per Day

Aug 10 2016

American Voices8/10/16

American Voices8/10/16

Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career

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