Yankees Honor Retiring A-Rod With 3-Second Tribute Video
NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York…
Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old
Radiocarbon dating of a recently caught female Greenland shark has confirmed with 95 percent certainty that the shark…
Yankees Sign A-Rod To 10-Year, $420 Million Front Office Consultant Contract
NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a…
New Biblical Text Reveals God First Sent Christ To Save Elk As Practice
DURHAM, NC—In what scholars are hailing as a landmark finding that reshapes their understanding of early Christianity,…
Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows
QUINCY, MA—Describing how the routine cost estimate rapidly blossomed into something much more, sources confirmed…
Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him
HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable…
Capping Pollution Could Save Thousands Of Lives
The American Thoracic Society has released new research saying that even slightly lowering the EPA’s ozone emissions…
Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower
A 19-year-old was arrested yesterday while using suction cups to climb the exterior of Trump Tower in order to meet…
Trump’s Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Can’t Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain
NEW YORK—Saying it was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by its strenuous workload, Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex…
Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs
LONDON—Cringing at the mere thought of the ceremonial rite she would have to perform, Queen Elizabeth II told reporters…
Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else
CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife…
Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered
RIO DE JANEIRO—Opening up to reporters about the challenging conditions at the Rio Games, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte…
Book Lovers Might Live Longer
A study recently found that so-called bookworms are less likely to suffer early death than those who do not read books…
Report: Some People Actually Very Happy
ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment…
‘Rugrats’ Turns 25
This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby…
Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he…
Michael Phelps Proudly Describes How Infant Son Subsists Off 12,000 Calories’ Worth Of Breast Milk Per Day
RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic…
Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career
Twenty-nine-year-old sports analyst and former football player Tim Tebow, who played his last NFL game in 2012, has…