A-Rod’s Number Reissued Immediately After Game
Yankees Honor Retiring A-Rod With 3-Second Tribute Video
NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York Yankees honored retiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a three-second-long tribute video. “We thought it was important to give Alex the sendoff he deserves,” said manager Joe Girardi of the tribute,…
Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old
Radiocarbon dating of a recently caught female Greenland shark has confirmed with 95 percent certainty that the shark is between 272 and 512 years old. What do you think?
Yankees Sign A-Rod To 10-Year, $420 Million Front Office Consultant Contract
NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a press conference Friday that the team has signed Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $420 million contract as a front office consultant. “Alex is a truly unique talent, and that’s why we’ve decided to…
New Biblical Text Reveals God First Sent Christ To Save Elk As Practice
DURHAM, NC—In what scholars are hailing as a landmark finding that reshapes their understanding of early Christianity, a newly discovered first-century text made public Friday by researchers at the Duke School of Divinity revealed that God first sent Jesus Christ to save elk as practice. “This ancient document clearly…
Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows
QUINCY, MA—Describing how the routine cost estimate rapidly blossomed into something much more, sources confirmed Friday that local dad Mark Geldmaker immediately developed a deep friendship with the guy giving him a quote on replacing his windows. “At first, they were walking through the house discussing whether Dad…
Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him
HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him…
Capping Pollution Could Save Thousands Of Lives
The American Thoracic Society has released new research saying that even slightly lowering the EPA’s ozone emissions standard could reduce the amount of fine particles in the air and save as many as 9,320 lives each year. What do you think?
Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower
A 19-year-old was arrested yesterday while using suction cups to climb the exterior of Trump Tower in order to meet with Donald Trump, with police intercepting him at the 21st floor and hospitalizing him for a psychological evaluation. What do you think?
Trump’s Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Can’t Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain
NEW YORK—Saying it was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by its strenuous workload, Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted Thursday it was simply unable to filter through the torrent of impulsive comments coming from the rest of the presidential candidate’s brain. “I’m just completely inundated with erratic…
Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs
LONDON—Cringing at the mere thought of the ceremonial rite she would have to perform, Queen Elizabeth II told reporters Thursday she hopes to die before having to knight any DJs. “God willing, I’ll pass away long before I’m ever called upon to bestow an honorary knighthood on Calvin Harris or Grooverider,” said the…
Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else
CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a…
Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered
RIO DE JANEIRO—Opening up to reporters about the challenging conditions at the Rio Games, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte admitted Thursday that the Olympic pool is much wetter than he remembered. “Honestly, the pool here feels way more wetter than the one in London,” said Lochte, confessing that he had some trouble…
Book Lovers Might Live Longer
A study recently found that so-called bookworms are less likely to suffer early death than those who do not read books regularly. What do you think?
Report: Some People Actually Very Happy
ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy. “Our data suggest that there are a…
‘Rugrats’ Turns 25
This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run:
Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday…
Michael Phelps Proudly Describes How Infant Son Subsists Off 12,000 Calories’ Worth Of Breast Milk Per Day
RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps explained to reporters Wednesday that his 3-month-old son, Boomer, consumes 12,000 calories of breast milk per day. “Boomer needs at least 2,000 calories during every feeding, and…
Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career
Twenty-nine-year-old sports analyst and former football player Tim Tebow, who played his last NFL game in 2012, has announced he is preparing for an upcoming career in Major League Baseball, a sport he has not played regularly since 2005. What do you think?
