GOP Leaders’ Daughters: ‘It’s Pretty Fucked Up If We’re The Only Reason You’re Denouncing Trump’s Statements’

WASHINGTON—Saying they felt physically sickened by the notion that the lewd and disturbing comments weren’t enough to draw harsh condemnation on their own, the daughters of the nation’s GOP leaders reportedly stated Sunday that it’s “pretty fucked up” if they are the only reason their fathers are denouncing Republican…

Trump: ‘I Know That Was Pretty Bad, But Let’s Just Say You’re Going To Want To Save Your Energy’

NEW YORK—Advising pundits, reporters, and the general public to rein in their indignation for the time being, Republican nominee Donald Trump admitted Friday that he knew his recently unearthed comments about groping women and attempting to engage them in extramarital affairs were pretty bad, but that everyone “should…

Disturbing MLB Postseason Commercial Claims October Is When The Maggots Feast On Rotting Pig Flesh

NEW YORK—Featuring various clips from past playoff games and what appears to be an abandoned slaughterhouse, a disturbing new MLB postseason commercial that began airing Friday claims October is when the maggots feast on rotting pig flesh. “October: when the best in baseball go head-to-head, when true champions rise…

Authorities Urge Florida Residents To Prevent Further Disasters By Finally Standing Up To Hurricane

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying they had put up with the destruction inflicted by gale-force winds and storm surges for much too long, government officials urged Florida residents Thursday to put an end to disasters once and for all by standing up to Hurricane Matthew. “No more running; no more hiding—it’s time for Floridians…