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All-Business Adult In Halloween Shop Beelines It Straight For Pinhead Mask

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks. “That guy wasn’t fucking around—he…

Trump Holds Strategy Meeting With Campaign’s Top Militia Leaders Ahead Of Election Day

NEW YORK—Sitting down with his most heavily armed advisors to go over potential courses of action, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly held a strategy meeting with his campaign’s top militia leaders Thursday afternoon in order to map out their approach before November 8. “We’re seeing tight races…

Report: Peaceful Transfer Of Power Makes Last-Minute Push To Become Most Pressing Issue Of 2016 Election

WASHINGTON—Saying the subject came “completely out of nowhere,” Americans across the country reported Thursday that they were taken aback by how the peaceful transfer of executive power in the United States was making a surprise last-minute push to become the most pressing issue of the 2016 election. “Boy, I tell you,…

Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair

COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair. “This kid is in way over his head here—there’s no way…

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Chris Wallace Receives Cease-And-Desist Letter From Trump Organization In Middle Of Questioning Candidate About Groping Allegations

PARADISE, NV—Interrupted by an aide to the Republican nominee who strode up to his table during the third presidential debate Wednesday, moderator Chris Wallace is said to have received a cease-and-desist letter from the Trump Organization in the middle of asking Donald Trump to respond to allegations that he groped…

Undecided Debate Viewer Waiting Until He Hears Same Responses For Seventh Time Before Making Decision

FORT WAYNE, IN—Saying he was still on the fence and was hoping Wednesday night’s final presidential debate would provide him with some clarity, undecided voter Kevin Dewey told reporters he is waiting until he hears the same responses from the nominees for the seventh time before deciding who he’ll cast his ballot…