Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame,…

ISIS Recruiter Excited To Be Talking To Popular High Schooler For Once

RAQQA, SYRIA—Describing his recent conversations with the sociable and upbeat American teenager as “a really nice change of pace,” ISIS recruiter Ben Ahmed al-Fezzani told reporters Thursday it has been a thrill to talk to a popular high school student for once. “Boy, it’s been so refreshing to speak with a kid who…

Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing

AUSTIN, TX—Immediately jumping into superficial action, local woman Catherine Nielson, 32, placed her cat, Reggie, on five minutes of half-assed observation Tuesday night after the gray tabby possibly ingested a small plastic thing from her apartment floor. “I saw him gnawing on some little white piece of plastic, so…

Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison

BANGKOK—Spitting out a broken tooth as his opponent lay motionless on the bare cement floor, a battered Secretary of State John Kerry emerged victorious Wednesday evening from an underground kickboxing tournament at Bangkok’s notorious Bang Kwang Central Prison, sources reported. “Any other takers?” said the…