Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel Tank

PYONGYANG—Bursting into the North Korean dictator’s central control room to find his wife suspended from a rope 40 feet in the air, a frantic Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly looked on in horror Friday as Teresa Heinz was slowly lowered into Kim Jong-un’s electric eel tank. “Well, well, well, how nice of you…

Transition Team Assures Public Trump Has Too Many Conflicts Of Interest To Favor Any Specific One

WASHINGTON—Seeking to allay concerns about how the incoming commander-in-chief’s business ties would affect the way he governs, members of Donald Trump’s White House transition team assured the American public Friday that the president-elect has far too many conflicts of interest to favor any individual one. “The…

Trump Unveils Exclusive Double Platinum–Level Press Room For Only Select Few Journalists

NEW YORK—Describing the ornately decorated 3,000-square-foot space as “the height of luxury,” President-elect Donald Trump officially unveiled a new Double Platinum–Level White House press room Thursday, which he said will be made available to only a select few journalists. “Located mere steps from the West Wing, this…

Man Excited To Spend Weekend Back Home Catching Up With Old Video Games From High School

DUBLIN, CA—Describing the flood of childhood memories he had experienced upon arriving home Thursday afternoon, local 30-year-old Ryan Frost told reporters he was excited to spend the upcoming weekend catching up with some of his old video games from high school. “It’s going to be so great to see NBA Street Vol. 2,…

Mike Pence Vows To Cut Conservation Funding After Discovering Elk Don’t Mate For Life

WASHINGTON—Promising swift action as soon as he takes office, Vice President–elect Mike Pence pledged Thursday to strip federal funding for conservation efforts shortly after learning that elk do not mate for life, sources confirmed. “One of this administration’s top priorities will be eliminating wasteful spending on…