Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards

GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM—Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. “What the fuck,” said Flaxum, telling his fellow Zorlarts to come “check this…

DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies

BURBANK, CA—While giving creative notes on the screenplay in a Friday meeting, DC Comics president Geoff Johns reportedly said he was concerned that a recent draft of the Batgirl: Origins script was not compelling enough to support a movie, three more movies, a 2028 reboot, and four additional movies. “Frankly, I just…

Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong-Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution

PYONGYANG—Following the country’s failed test launch of a new long-range missile, North Korean military aides reportedly tried to cheer up Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Thursday by putting on a surprise execution. “He was pretty upset by how things went yesterday, so we figured surprising him with the summary execution…

‘Yes, But How Did He Die?’ Ghoulish American Public Asks Of Recent Celebrity Death While Rubbing Delicate, Bony Hands Together And Smiling Thinly

WASHINGTON—A glint of curiosity in their otherwise lifeless eyes, the American public ghoulishly asked Thursday upon hearing of a recent celebrity death, “Yes, but how did he die?” as they rubbed their bony hands together and thinly smiled. “Was it an overdose?” said Mark Gansby of Chelmsford, MA, one of the hundreds…

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