Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims

WASHINGTON—Amid concerns that a U.S. attack on a Syrian government air base would only escalate the ongoing conflict in the region, President Trump assured Americans Friday that his decision to order a missile strike came only after carefully considering every one of his passing whims. “I want to make it perfectly…

Bashar Al-Assad Shares Laugh With Military Leaders Over Time He Once Wanted To Be A Doctor And Help People

DAMASCUS—During a meeting to review the body counts from his latest initiatives to retake rebel-held regions of the country, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad shared an extended laugh with his top military leaders on Thursday over the time in his life when he wanted to be a doctor and help people. “Oh man, can you even…

Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service

WASHINGTON—Noting that almost two-thirds of the nation’s postal workers were occupied with sorting and delivering the packages at any given time, an audit released Thursday by the U.S. Postal Service revealed that delivering college recruitment letters to five-star athletes comprises 83 percent of the agency’s annual…

Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been

LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday. “My god, what have I done?” said a despairing Paitz, realizing that, alas, he must live with the…

Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the…