Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is

WASHINGTON—Finding himself unable to contain his jealousy toward his fellow lawmaker’s latest poll numbers, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly pulled aside Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) Friday to ask him what the secret is behind his 37 percent approval rating. “Hey, Joe, you’ve got to let me in on your secret—how do you…

Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims

WASHINGTON—Amid concerns that a U.S. attack on a Syrian government air base would only escalate the ongoing conflict in the region, President Trump assured Americans Friday that his decision to order a missile strike came only after carefully considering every one of his passing whims. “I want to make it perfectly…

Assad Vows Swift Retaliation On Syrian Civilians In Response To U.S. Missile Strike

DAMASCUS—Angrily declaring that the attack would not go unpunished, Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad vowed swift retaliation on his nation’s civilians Friday for the U.S. missile strike on the al-Shayrat air base. “In response to the egregious aggression of the United States, I promise to stop at nothing to crush the…

Child’s Favorite Restaurant Also Dad’s Favorite Bar

ALDINE, TX—Raving about the establishment’s French fries and nachos, 7-year-old Joshua Behr told reporters Friday that Gordo’s—his father’s favorite local bar—was his favorite restaurant. “They have the best food in the world, and I always say I want to go there whenever Dad takes us out to eat,” Behr said of the pub…

Bashar Al-Assad Shares Laugh With Military Leaders Over Time He Once Wanted To Be A Doctor And Help People

DAMASCUS—During a meeting to review the body counts from his latest initiatives to retake rebel-held regions of the country, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad shared an extended laugh with his top military leaders on Thursday over the time in his life when he wanted to be a doctor and help people. “Oh man, can you even…

Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service

WASHINGTON—Noting that almost two-thirds of the nation’s postal workers were occupied with sorting and delivering the packages at any given time, an audit released Thursday by the U.S. Postal Service revealed that delivering college recruitment letters to five-star athletes comprises 83 percent of the agency’s annual…

Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been

LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday. “My god, what have I done?” said a despairing Paitz, realizing that, alas, he must live with the…

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Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Powerless to break free from the department store’s grip, local mom Patricia Schulte, 54, is locked in an infinite loop of purchasing and returning items from Lord & Taylor, sources said Wednesday. “It’s always the same—she goes out and buys a few things, and then, lo and behold, she’s back at the…

Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the…