The Onion Looks Back At The First 100 Days And 10 Plagues Of The Trump Administration
Scientists Constructing Bricks From Simulated Martian Soil
To demonstrate how humans might one day build structures on the red planet, scientists have used dirt that mimics the composition of Martian soil to make highly durable bricks. What do you think?
Retired Ice Rink Manager Recalls Days Of Horse-Led Zambonis
ST. PAUL, MN—Fondly describing the throngs of children that would gather at the edge of the rink to watch the majestic animals smooth the ice, retired hockey rink manager Richard Erickson recalled Friday the early days of horse-led Zambonis. “When I first started working here, every one of our Zambonis needed a…
Fetal Lambs Kept Alive Inside Artificial Uterus
Doctors have succeeded in keeping lamb fetuses alive for weeks inside plastic sacks of amniotic fluid, a technology they believe could one day help premature human babies survive. What do you think?
Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End
KATY, TX—Sighing at yet another totally expected moment, local man Bradley Wuster, 38, told reporters Friday that he could already guess how his life was going to end despite only being halfway through. “Let’s face it, the suspense is pretty much over—I don’t need to plod through the last half of my time on earth to…
Super 8 Offering Writers Residency For Anyone Working On Suicide Note
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Calling it an idyllic setting for penning one’s final goodbyes, Super 8 Motels announced a new writing residency Friday for anyone working on a suicide note. “Writers accepted to this program will be awarded free lodging in one of our motel rooms, off any highway exit they choose, where they can draw…
Chobani Sues Alex Jones For Defamation
Yogurt producer Chobani has filed a defamation suit against right-wing pundit Alex Jones over his repeated accusations that the company is “importing migrant rapists.” What do you think?
Mark Zuckerberg Touts Complete Lack Of Cannibalism On Facebook Live So Far
MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to defend the social network’s live video-streaming feature against recent criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Thursday to tout the complete lack of cannibalism that has appeared on Facebook Live so far. “Facebook Live is an exceptionally innovative and…
Ecuadorian Officials Starting To Get Sick Of Julian Assange Always Leaving Dirty Dishes All Over Embassy
LONDON—Adding to the already long list of grievances they had with their guest, officials at the Ecuadorian embassy reported Thursday that they were beginning to get really sick of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange always leaving his dirty dishes around the premises.
Justin Trudeau Unveils Plan To Meet Healthcare Needs Of Canada’s Aging Prog Rockers
OTTAWA—Saying it was only right to give back to those who had done so much for their country, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau unveiled a plan Thursday that would provide for the healthcare needs of the nation’s aging prog rockers. “Groups from Rush to Triumph to Harmonium are valued members of our society, and…
Notable Commencement Speakers For The Class Of 2017
Each spring, colleges around the country invite luminaries and public figures to speak to their graduating class. Here are this year’s most notable speakers:
Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust
DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust. “I truly believe that I could’ve been a terrible fit for an NFL team and flamed…
Plastic-Eating Caterpillar Discovered
Scientists have discovered that wax moth larvae are capable of digesting polyethylene, an ingredient in many plastics, offering a potential solution to the world’s plastic waste problem. What do you think?
Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag
KENNEBUNK, ME—Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed local man Eric Steiner’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Thursday at the sight of a bag of white cheddar popcorn. According to sources, moments after his…
