Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End

KATY, TX—Sighing at yet another totally expected moment, local man Bradley Wuster, 38, told reporters Friday that he could already guess how his life was going to end despite only being halfway through. “Let’s face it, the suspense is pretty much over—I don’t need to plod through the last half of my time on earth to…

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Justin Trudeau Unveils Plan To Meet Healthcare Needs Of Canada’s Aging Prog Rockers

OTTAWA—Saying it was only right to give back to those who had done so much for their country, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau unveiled a plan Thursday that would provide for the healthcare needs of the nation’s aging prog rockers. “Groups from Rush to Triumph to Harmonium are valued members of our society, and…

Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag

KENNEBUNK, ME—Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed local man Eric Steiner’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Thursday at the sight of a bag of white cheddar popcorn. According to sources, moments after his…