Amazon Building Homeless Shelter Inside Seattle Headquarters
Partnering with a nonprofit, Amazon is donating 47,000 square feet of space in its new headquarters as permanent…
Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room
PEORIA, IL—Wildly speculating about the tantalizing pleasures awaiting just out of reach, sleepover guests at the…
Woman Rearranging Condiments In Refrigerator Door Like Puzzle In Ancient Tomb
SANTA CRUZ, CA—Carefully inspecting the rows in hopes of deciphering the right configuration among thousands, local…
Bill Clinton Co-Authoring Novel With James Patterson
Bill Clinton is collaborating with best-selling author James Patterson on a thriller novel titled The President Is…
Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs
WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer…
NBC Airing ‘Jesus Christ Superstar Live!’
NBC has scheduled a live version of the 1971 Broadway musical Jesus Christ Superstar for Easter 2018. What do you think?
Lesser Known MLB Hall Of Fame Artifacts And Exhibits
With over 40,000 baseball artifacts calling Cooperstown home, Onion Sports outlines some of the lesser known exhibits…
Pressure Mounting For Humans To Step Down As Head Of Failing Global Ecosystem
EARTH—Noting that the species’ tenure in the leadership role has been marked by an incompetence and shortsightedness…
Report: 15% Of Cars In Mall Parking Lots Occupied By Family Member Who Stormed Off After Fight
PHILADELPHIA—Confirming their findings were consistent across all observed locations and at all times of day, a report…
Area Mom Convinced 30-Year-Old Daughter Would Be Married By Now If She Just Brushed Her Hair More
LAYTON, UT—Certain it was all that was holding her back from finding the man of her dreams, area mom Janet Kessler told…
Milestones In Artificial Intelligence
Twenty years ago today, computer Deep Blue made history by beating world champion Garry Kasparov in a game of chess.…
Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking
‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man
Low Doses Of THC Could Restore Brain Function In Older Mice
Researchers found that geriatric mice treated with low doses of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, showed…
Trump Fires FBI Director Comey
Donald Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, who was leading the federal investigation of Russian interference in…
Constitution Rapidly Ages Another 100 Years From Stress Of Repeated Crises
WASHINGTON—With yesterday’s dismissal of former FBI director James Comey serving as yet another burden on the historic…
Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres As National Wildfire Refuge
WASHINGTON—Designating the area a protected space where the blazes could thrive in their natural habitat, the…
Network Engineer Would Be Systems Manager If He Could Do It All Over Again
WATERBURY, CT—Reflecting wistfully on what he might have made of himself had he chosen a different profession,…
Trump Announces 40-Month-Long Search To Fill FBI Director Post
WASHINGTON—Saying it was essential to fill the now vacant post with just the right person, President Trump announced…