The Chinese release of “Alien: Covenant” reportedly omits a gay kiss scene, along with the majority of the movie’s violence and even appearances by its aliens. What do you think?
MINNEAPOLIS—Citing the poor quality of both the design and craftsmanship, members of the Hunter family told reporters Friday that the home’s versatile game table could be easily converted to play small, shitty versions of pool, air hockey, and foosball. “Right now it’s a tiny, cramped foosball table, but if you want…
Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
WASHINGTON—Unable to contain his nausea at the horrifying scene before him, rookie USDA agent Michael Dunn vomited Friday after seeing his first rotten orange. “As soon as the kid caught a glimpse of that produce lying there decomposing, he turned away, hunched over, and started throwing up like crazy,” said…
Classic video game company Atari has announced it’s making a new console, fueling speculation about whether it will be a retro novelty or a modern system. What do you think?
STERLING, CO—Saying the condiment was really putting the rest of the team on its back, area man Kevin Bentley confirmed Thursday that the chipotle mayo was doing all the heavy lifting in his sandwich. “Looks like this mayo is going to have to carry us across the finish line, because there’s absolutely nothing else on…
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps will race against a great white shark for a TV special as part of Discovery’s annual Shark Week event in July. What do you think?
VATICAN CITY—Praising the district’s vast selection of inexpensive goods and its vendors’ willingness to negotiate prices, Pope Francis reportedly spent Thursday afternoon strolling through Vatican City’s Chinatown before purchasing a knockoff golden chalice.
Landing with his hometown Lakers would make it easier for his father to explain attending every game
‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO
Ruling unanimously in favor of an Asian-American band calling themselves The Slants, the Supreme Court struck down a ban on trademarking offensive names. What do you think?
With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
WAVERLY, NE—Listening as the haggard messenger spoke of ominous clouds upon the horizon, local fourth-grade teacher Myra Helms received a dark portent of a gathering storm from pale and bedraggled third-grade teacher Beverly Milfay, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hearken to my words! The unspeakable malevolence that…
Becoming the first person in Twitter history to reach the milestone, pop star Katy Perry has accumulated more than 100 million followers on the site. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Brainstorming the wondrous features and amenities as they came to him in a flash of inspiration, President Donald Trump on Wednesday accidentally recorded over the tape containing his meetings with fired FBI Director James Comey with an idea for a candy hotel. “There could be a revolving door made out of…