CHICAGO—In response to the executive order restricting entry to the United States from six majority-Muslim nations, United Airlines announced Friday that the carrier will offer immigrants and refugees special flights that continuously circle the country until gaps in the travel ban allow them to land. “We’re excited…
SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk. “We intend to loiter directly adjacent to where you sit and loudly discuss some stupid bullshit while you’re…
Race first conceived after Maurice Garin wakes up from 23-day amphetamine bender to find himself on other side of country
LOS ANGELES—Unexpectedly penning lyrics about colorful autumn foliage and summer cottages on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee, alternative rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers accidentally wrote a song about New Hampshire, sources reported Friday. “We just got into the studio and started jamming, and for whatever reason,…
An Irish teen was forcibly committed after seeking an abortion, only to be released four days later upon determining she did not have a psychological disorder. What do you think?
POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements.…
Researchers have found that dogs and wolves can recognize when they’re being treated unfairly, and will stop listening to their trainers if so. What do you think?
PASADENA, CA—In hopes of better understanding a phenomenon that has vexed researchers for decades, hundreds of theoretical scientists have assembled at the California Institute of Technology for the 35th annual symposium on how gas nozzles know when a car’s tank is full, sources said Thursday.
A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:
MILWAUKEE—Calling it a huge opportunity to tap into a market that has traditionally been neglected by motorcycle manufacturers, Harley-Davidson announced Thursday a new line of motorcycles designed specifically for men. “Everything about our original line of motorcycles, including our elegant filigree logo, was…
DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else. “If they take, like, a…
COLUMBIA, SC—Saying the fetid stench of spoiled meat perfectly set the mood for romance, local housefly Tztsz on Wednesday fondly recalled losing his virginity on a decomposing pile of ground beef. “It was such a wonderful experience—we found this nice slimy clump of discolored beef rotting in an open trash can and…
A group called Parents Against Underage Smartphones is trying to advance a ballot measure banning the sale of smartphones to anyone under age 13. What do you think?
MORGAN HILL, CA—Having blown through nearly half the titles on the 20-book list in less than two weeks, chronically lonely fourth-grader Logan Parata is currently crushing the Santa Clara County Library’s summer reading program, sources confirmed Wednesday.
CHICAGO—Sprinting down the platform and frantically waving his arms, local man Dustin Sayer was reportedly running toward a departing train Wednesday because he must have finally realized he loves her. “Wow, he’s probably rushing to get to that train because he truly knows how much he needs her now, and it’ll be too…
CINCINNATI—Surprised to discover that the once-beloved job perk had lost its appeal over the years, local barber Mike Grossman told reporters Tuesday that he was no longer even that excited by bringing home free bags of hair at the end of the day. “Walking through my front door with huge garbage bags of trimmings that…
A GOP analytics firm inadvertently exposed personal information from 200 million registered American voters, encompassing nearly every voter in the country. What do you think?
