United Airlines Offering Immigrants Special Flights That Circle U.S. Awaiting Gaps In Travel Ban

CHICAGO—In response to the executive order restricting entry to the United States from six majority-Muslim nations, United Airlines announced Friday that the carrier will offer immigrants and refugees special flights that continuously circle the country until gaps in the travel ban allow them to land. “We’re excited…

Employees From Other Department Announce Plan To Ramble On About Fucking Nothing Right Next To Your Desk

SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk. “We intend to loiter directly adjacent to where you sit and loudly discuss some stupid bullshit while you’re…

Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her

CHICAGO—Sprinting down the platform and frantically waving his arms, local man Dustin Sayer was reportedly running toward a departing train Wednesday because he must have finally realized he loves her. “Wow, he’s probably rushing to get to that train because he truly knows how much he needs her now, and it’ll be too…