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Shield Your Eyes!

O.J. Simpson Granted Parole

Lovelorn App Aches To Know Your Location

Area Man Marks Territory On Bench With Sweaty Thigh Outline

National Forest Service Recommends Campers Tie Up Their Food To Avoid Attracting Other Visitors

The Onion Remembers Press Secretary Sean Spicer: A Valiant Hero In The War Against Journalism

A.I. Making It Easier To Falsify Video Evidence

Scientists: Humans Could Likely Outrun T-Rex

Shelling From Royal Caribbean’s M.S. ‘Allure’ Sinks Carnival Cruise Vessel That Crossed Into Disputed Waters

Nation Kept Up All Night By Sound Of Creaking Infrastructure

Home Depot Releases New Bluetooth Cordless Hose

Disgusted Researchers Can’t Even Bring Themselves To Find Out How Much Mayo The Average American Consumes Yearly

Will Smith Cast As Genie In Live-Action ‘Aladdin’ Remake

Nike Introduces New Line Of Sauce-Wicking Competitive Eating Apparel

Star Tour Operator Points Out Massive Costner Dropping To Awed Passengers

First Female ‘Doctor Who’ Announced

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

Historians Find Evidence Of Nation’s Founding Lobbyists’ Campaign To Influence Constitution

$1 Million In Marijuana Found Smuggled In Ford Fusions

Dive-Bombing Osprey Better Emerge From Lake With Something Awesome To Show For It