Disney Launching Own Streaming Services
The Walt Disney Company has announced it will launch its own streaming services in 2018 and 2019, ending its current…
Texans Brace For President’s Response To Hurricane
HOUSTON—Battening down the hatches as the potentially disastrous situation unfolded, Texans braced themselves Friday…
Friend Not In Fantasy League Immediately Regrets Attending Draft Party
NUTLEY, NJ—Recounting the participants’ unwavering, single-minded focus throughout the three-hour event, local man Ross…
Planet Fitness Offering New Lights-Off Hour So No One Can Watch You Work Out
NEWINGTON, NH—In an effort to reduce the amount of self-consciousness some members experience, gym chain Planet Fitness…
Struggling Amtrak To Discontinue Mysterious Late-Night Trains To Spirit Realm
WASHINGTON—In response to a decline in revenue from routes running between the two disparate planes of existence,…
Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the…
Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa
WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the…
‘Eleanor Rigby’ Grave For Sale
The grave of the woman after whom the Beatles’ “Eleanor Rigby” is named is going up for auction, theoretically allowing…
Study: Exxon Misled Public On Climate Change
A study of ExxonMobil communications from 1977 to 2014 found that the company routinely downplayed the risks of climate…
Poll Finds Declining Number Of Americans Believe They God
WASHINGTON—In what researchers say marks a profound change in the nation’s attitude toward religion, a new Pew Research…
What You Need To Know About Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift has announced the upcoming release of Reputation, her sixth studio album. The Onion answers some of the…
‘Game Of Thrones’ Producers Reveal Series Moved Beyond Show’s Written Script Halfway Through Current Season
BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Discussing the hit HBO fantasy drama with reporters ahead of this weekend’s season finale, Gam…
Old Friends From High School Meet Up Every Year To Say Names Of Former Classmates
GRANVILLE, OH—Convening at their hometown bar to grab a drink and catch up on things, a group of old high school…
Nation’s Therapists Say Majority Of Issues Could Be Resolved By Not Being So Weird All The Time
WASHINGTON—Saying the method yields positive results almost immediately, a coalition of leading therapists said…
‘Slender Man Stabbing’ Suspect Pleads Guilty
One of the Wisconsin girls charged with stabbing her classmate to appease the fictional internet character Slender Man…
Family Has Extremely Lax Standards For Who Gets To Be Called Aunt
HARRISBURG, PA—Confirming that several dozen individuals have had the title bestowed upon them in recent years, sources…
Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound
HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth…
Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut
WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project will bypass traffic congestion to allow for quicker arrival times across…
‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Staring down in shock and turning pale, the host of Wednesday night’s $700 million Powerball lottery…