Disney Launching Own Streaming Services
The Walt Disney Company has announced it will launch its own streaming services in 2018 and 2019, ending its current partnership with Netflix. What do you think?
Texans Brace For President’s Response To Hurricane
HOUSTON—Battening down the hatches as the potentially disastrous situation unfolded, Texans braced themselves Friday for President Trump’s response to Hurricane Harvey. “I don’t know how bad it’s going to be, but I’m preparing for the worst,” said resident Jacob Hoyt, echoing the sentiments of millions of residents…
Friend Not In Fantasy League Immediately Regrets Attending Draft Party
NUTLEY, NJ—Recounting the participants’ unwavering, single-minded focus throughout the three-hour event, local man Ross Harrison, who declined to join his friends’ fantasy football league, told reporters Friday he immediately regretted attending their draft party last night. “Pete just had a kid and Brian got engaged,…
Planet Fitness Offering New Lights-Off Hour So No One Can Watch You Work Out
NEWINGTON, NH—In an effort to reduce the amount of self-consciousness some members experience, gym chain Planet Fitness on Friday announced a new lights-off hour so no one can watch you work out. “During the hour of 5-6 p.m., all Planet Fitness centers will be dimmed almost to the point of total darkness so that…
Struggling Amtrak To Discontinue Mysterious Late-Night Trains To Spirit Realm
WASHINGTON—In response to a decline in revenue from routes running between the two disparate planes of existence, Amtrak announced Friday that it plans to cancel the mysterious, mist-enshrouded trains offering late-night service into the darkest realms of the spirit.
Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show. The first indication that the production would include a high-energy…
Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa
WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career. “Though he was clearly still getting his footing at the time, one can see in this…
‘Eleanor Rigby’ Grave For Sale
The grave of the woman after whom the Beatles’ “Eleanor Rigby” is named is going up for auction, theoretically allowing whoever wins to be buried beside her remains. What do you think?
Study: Exxon Misled Public On Climate Change
A study of ExxonMobil communications from 1977 to 2014 found that the company routinely downplayed the risks of climate change in public while acknowledging them in private. What do you think?
Poll Finds Declining Number Of Americans Believe They God
WASHINGTON—In what researchers say marks a profound change in the nation’s attitude toward religion, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found a significant decline in the number of Americans who believe they are God. “Our data shows that since we started studying the trend in the late 1970s, there has…
What You Need To Know About Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift has announced the upcoming release of Reputation, her sixth studio album. The Onion answers some of the most common questions about the notorious pop star.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Producers Reveal Series Moved Beyond Show’s Written Script Halfway Through Current Season
BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Discussing the hit HBO fantasy drama with reporters ahead of this weekend’s season finale, Game Of Thrones producers revealed Thursday that the series had moved beyond the show’s written script halfway through the current season. “Over the first six and a half seasons, we had been following…
Old Friends From High School Meet Up Every Year To Say Names Of Former Classmates
GRANVILLE, OH—Convening at their hometown bar to grab a drink and catch up on things, a group of old high school friends reportedly met up on Thursday as per their yearly tradition of saying the names of their former classmates. “Hey, remember that guy Dave Getler?” asked 32-year-old Kim Blackburn to a group of…
Nation’s Therapists Say Majority Of Issues Could Be Resolved By Not Being So Weird All The Time
WASHINGTON—Saying the method yields positive results almost immediately, a coalition of leading therapists said Thursday that most of the personal issues people experience could be resolved if they would simply stop being so weird all the time.
‘Slender Man Stabbing’ Suspect Pleads Guilty
One of the Wisconsin girls charged with stabbing her classmate to appease the fictional internet character Slender Man has pled guilty to attempted murder. What do you think?
Family Has Extremely Lax Standards For Who Gets To Be Called Aunt
HARRISBURG, PA—Confirming that several dozen individuals have had the title bestowed upon them in recent years, sources reported Friday that the Weber family has exceptionally lax standards for who gets to be called “aunt.” “It appears that if you happen to be a woman over the age of 30, or just have kids of your own,…
Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound
HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday. “Man, I…
Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut
WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project will bypass traffic congestion to allow for quicker arrival times across the U.S., the Department of Transportation on Thursday announced it was allocating $400 million for a national shortcut. “This funding will help provide an alternate route for all Americans currently…
‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Staring down in shock and turning pale, the host of Wednesday night’s $700 million Powerball lottery reportedly muttered to herself in utter horror after the randomized drawing produced an entirely unmarked, pitch-black ball. “32, 16—Oh, dear God…. No, no, no,” said Powerball host Laura Johnson, who…
