‘This Map Will Change The Way You See Westeros,’ Reports Never-Ending Cascade Of Subhuman Bullshit

NEW YORK—Claiming it would be a momentous experience for any Game of Thrones fan, a never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit reported Friday that there was a new map that would change the way you see Westeros. “Get ready to see The Seven Kingdoms in a whole new light,” reported the ceaseless deluge of absurd garbage…

Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’

NEW YORK—In a dramatic break from the singer’s past incarnations, including her more aggressive recent image, Taylor Swift unveiled an even darker persona Friday with the release of her new single, “Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend.” “From the moment we see her chewing the entrails of a bound-and-gagged man wrapped…

Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort

WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.

Funeral Director Assures Jewish Family This Headstone Can Withstand Plenty Of Blows From Baseball Bat

ROCHESTER, NY—Promising that their loved one’s memory would be protected for years to come, local funeral director Richard Newfeld assured a group of Jewish clients Thursday that this headstone could withstand plenty of blows from a baseball bat. “This one right here is 12-inch-thick granite—a Nazi’s gonna wear…

Ivanka, Donald Jr., Eric Trump Removed From White House After Mother Wins 25-Year Custody Battle

WASHINGTON—Bringing a conclusion to decades of contentious court proceedings, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric Trump were reportedly removed from the White House on Thursday after their mother, Ivana Trump, won her 25-year custody fight for the children. “We’re happy with the judge’s ruling that Ivanka, Don, and Eric’s…