Notre Dame Replaces ‘Word Of Life’ Mural With Massive HD Monitor Displaying Christ
Treasury Secretary Reneges On Plan To Put Harriet Tubman On $20 Bill
Trump Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has refused to say whether he’ll follow through on the Obama administration’s 2016 plan to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. What do you think?
Trump Administration Announces New $20 Bill Design Honoring Harriet Tubman’s Owners
WASHINGTON—Saying they wished to pay tribute to the legacies of these distinguished, law-abiding Americans, the Trump administration announced Friday that a long anticipated redesign of the $20 bill would honor Harriet Tubman’s owners. “These were patriotic business proprietors who followed the laws of their time to…
Peaceful Protest Interrupted By Swarm Of Aggressive Black-Clad Militants
PHILADELPHIA—Quickly turning what had been an orderly demonstration into a violent melee, a peaceful protest Friday was reportedly interrupted by a swarm of aggressive, black-clad militants. According to bystanders, the protesters had been marching and chanting without incident when they were suddenly set upon by the…
‘This Map Will Change The Way You See Westeros,’ Reports Never-Ending Cascade Of Subhuman Bullshit
NEW YORK—Claiming it would be a momentous experience for any Game of Thrones fan, a never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit reported Friday that there was a new map that would change the way you see Westeros. “Get ready to see The Seven Kingdoms in a whole new light,” reported the ceaseless deluge of absurd garbage…
Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’
NEW YORK—In a dramatic break from the singer’s past incarnations, including her more aggressive recent image, Taylor Swift unveiled an even darker persona Friday with the release of her new single, “Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend.” “From the moment we see her chewing the entrails of a bound-and-gagged man wrapped…
Former Conservative Recalls Belittling Tirade From College Student That Brought Him Over To Left
ST. PAUL, MN—Explaining how the string of personal insults and sharply worded accusations caused him to reevaluate every one of his political leanings, former conservative Vincent Welsh recalled for reporters Friday the belittling tirade from a college student that brought him over to the left. “It was last October…
Nation’s Middle Class Chillingly Reappears Out Of Nowhere
Hundreds Of Thousands Of Americans Suddenly Resume Blue-Collar Jobs
$900 Million Lawsuit Might Hinge On Whether Ghosts Real
A $900 million lawsuit over the rights to The Conjuring horror franchise could hinge on whether the films are based on real or fictional events, and thus whether or not ghosts are real. What do you think?
FDA Cracking Down On Unapproved Stem Cell Treatments
With stem cell therapy rapidly expanding in recent years, the FDA announced it’s tightening rules on clinics using unapproved or unsafe stem cell treatments. What do you think?
Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort
WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.
Funeral Director Assures Jewish Family This Headstone Can Withstand Plenty Of Blows From Baseball Bat
ROCHESTER, NY—Promising that their loved one’s memory would be protected for years to come, local funeral director Richard Newfeld assured a group of Jewish clients Thursday that this headstone could withstand plenty of blows from a baseball bat. “This one right here is 12-inch-thick granite—a Nazi’s gonna wear…
Disturbing Report Reveals Cruel, Disgusting Conditions For Prospects Kept In MLB Farm System
NEW YORK—Calling the inhumane treatment a disgrace to the MLB and all of its consumers, a disturbing new report released Thursday by Sporting News revealed the cruel, disgusting conditions for prospects kept in the MLB farm system. “Our investigation found that these young, helpless prospects are often forced to live…
Ivanka, Donald Jr., Eric Trump Removed From White House After Mother Wins 25-Year Custody Battle
WASHINGTON—Bringing a conclusion to decades of contentious court proceedings, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric Trump were reportedly removed from the White House on Thursday after their mother, Ivana Trump, won her 25-year custody fight for the children. “We’re happy with the judge’s ruling that Ivanka, Don, and Eric’s…
Features Of Android Oreo
Google’s new operating system for Android devices, Oreo, includes a whole host of new features and improvements. Here’s what to expect from Android Oreo.
Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night
CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night. “Aw goddamnit,” said the 35-year-old, adding that he must be a total moron given that trash night happens every Wednesday and that he’s lived in…
Google Offering Depression Test
To encourage more sufferers to seek treatment, Google is now offering a quiz for users to check their own depression symptoms when searching for information about the disease. What do you think?
Affable Detective With Healthy Personal Life Hasn’t Solved Case In Months
SHOW LOW, AZ—Describing him as a family man who always has a smile on his face, sources within the Show Low Police Department confirmed that Dominic Pierce, an affable detective with a rich personal life, hasn’t solved a case in months. According precinct records, Pierce, who promptly leaves work at 6 p.m. each night…
Actor Quits Hellboy Reboot Over Whitewashing Controversy
British actor Ed Skrein has quit the “Hellboy” reboot after objections to his being cast as a supporting character depicted as Asian in the original comics. What do you think?
