Experts Report $37 Amount Of Money You Need To Donate To Hurricane Relief In Order To Completely Forget About It

WASHINGTON—Saying that the charitable contribution would immediately provide a clear conscience, experts reported Friday that you need to donate $37 to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about what happened. “Concerned individuals have been asking what they can do to stop feeling bad about hurricane…

Nation’s Journalists Remember Quaint Time When ‘Huffington Post’ Seemed Like Death Of News Industry

NEW YORK—Laughing and smiling as they shared stories with one another about the deep-seated professional concerns they held at the time, the nation’s journalists reminisced Friday about the quaint bygone days when the The Huffington Post seemed like the death of the news industry, sources reported. “Gosh, I remember…

Exhausted John Kelly Parks President In Front Of Episode Of ‘Tucker Carlson’ To Get Quick Hour To Himself

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a Tucker Carlson episode in order to get a quick…

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Martin Shkreli Faces Rough Stay In Prison System Where Inmates Who Funded Hair Theft Are Lowest Caste

BROOKLYN, NY—Explaining that the prisoners dole out their own form of brutal justice, prison officials at the Metropolitan Detention Center told reporters Thursday that Martin Shkreli faces a rough stay in a system where inmates who funded hair theft are considered the lowest caste. “As soon as word spreads you’re in…