‘How Could Harvey Weinstein Get Away With This?’ Asks Man Currently Ignoring Sexual Misconduct Of 17 Separate Coworkers, Friends, Acquaintances

WOBURN, MA—In light of reports that Miramax cofounder Harvey Weinstein had sexually harassed women for decades with no apparent consequences, local man Devin Blanford, who is currently ignoring the sexual misconduct of 17 separate coworkers, acquaintances, and friends, wondered Friday how Weinstein was able to get…

Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall

WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.

Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase

CINCINNATI—Her face turning a deep shade of red as she realized that everyone around the conference table had seen it, Tampax CEO Daphne Simmons reportedly burst into tears and ran out of the boardroom Friday after a tampon fell out of her briefcase. “Oh my God, oh my God, this is so embarrassing,” said Simmons, who…

Americans Are Tired Of The Same Old Pandering And Stale Ideas We’re Going To Keep Offering Them

If last year’s election showed us anything, it’s that anger and resentment are on the rise. I hear it from small business owners and working-class families, from millennials and retirees. There’s a sense that we’ve lost our way, and that the blame rests squarely on our nation’s leadership. Simply put, Americans are…