NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately, The NCAA announced Saturday that it was suspending…
George W. Bush Warns Of Rise Of Conspiracy Theories
During a speech Thursday, George W. Bush condemned the rise of conspiracy theories and bigotry in American politics,…
Man Wishes Live Nation Would Email Him Whenever Any Band Playing Anywhere
MIAMI—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to be out of the loop for even a second, local 26-year-old Jason Dawles told…
New Study Finds You’d Love Being Rich Asshole
PHILADELPHIA—Saying you’d take to your new way of life almost immediately, a study published by sociologists at the…
Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay
CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red…
Former Blink 182 Guitarist Crowdfunding Spaceship
UFO enthusiast and Blink 182 co-founder Tom DeLonge is crowdfunding a “public benefit corporation” whose first project…
Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator
LOS ANGELES—In light of numerous allegations of sexual harassment made against producer Harvey Weinstein and other…
Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him
WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott…
Nation’s Entertainment Reporters Return To Celeb Beach Body Beat Following Coverage Of Weinstein Scandal
LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s…
‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier
WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed…
Trump Drops 92 Spots On List Of Richest Americans
With a $600 million decline in the president’s net worth, Donald Trump dropped 92 spots on Forbes’ annual list of the…
Trump Comforts Grieving War Widow By Assuring Her He Will Never Die
WASHINGTON—In an effort to alleviate her sorrow after the tragic event, President Donald Trump reportedly comforted the…
Report: 98% Of BattleBots Suffer Debilitating CPU Injuries
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming their long-held theories on the dangers of the sport, a startling new study released Thursday…