Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator

LOS ANGELES—In light of numerous allegations of sexual harassment made against producer Harvey Weinstein and other powerful film industry figures, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released Friday a complete list of feature films that can be enjoyed without supporting a sexual predator. “Sexual…

Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him

WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly picked up his pace while walking home Tuesday as hundreds of whooping cranes began silently perching around him. “Stay calm, Scott, they’re just birds,” said Pruitt, fumbling for his…

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Nation’s Entertainment Reporters Return To Celeb Beach Body Beat Following Coverage Of Weinstein Scandal

LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s entertainment reporters returned to the celebrity beach body beat Thursday after two weeks of covering sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. “For a while there, it was all hands on deck…

‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier

WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump asked the mother of a fallen soldier to remind him what they were talking about 15 seconds into their phone conversation. “So, uh, wait—what was I just saying?” the…