INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately, The NCAA announced Saturday that it was suspending the Penn State football team another three years after remembering everything they did. “Holy shit, you know what, you guys are definitely getting suspended again for all that shit,” said NCAA…

During a speech Thursday, George W. Bush condemned the rise of conspiracy theories and bigotry in American politics, remarks that were widely taken as a critique of Donald Trump. What do you think?

MIAMI—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to be out of the loop for even a second, local 26-year-old Jason Dawles told reporters Friday that he wishes Live Nation would email him whenever any band was playing anywhere. “If a band is headed to my neighborhood for a show next weekend, or if they’re playing 500 miles away…

PHILADELPHIA—Saying you’d take to your new way of life almost immediately, a study published by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania on Friday suggests that you would have absolutely no problems being a rich asshole. “Although you currently express considerable disdain for rich assholes, the data…

CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in…

UFO enthusiast and Blink 182 co-founder Tom DeLonge is crowdfunding a “public benefit corporation” whose first project is a proposed intergalactic spaceship. What do you think?

LOS ANGELES—In light of numerous allegations of sexual harassment made against producer Harvey Weinstein and other powerful film industry figures, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released Friday a complete list of feature films that can be enjoyed without supporting a sexual predator. “Sexual…

WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly picked up his pace while walking home Tuesday as hundreds of whooping cranes began silently perching around him. “Stay calm, Scott, they’re just birds,” said Pruitt, fumbling for his…

LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s entertainment reporters returned to the celebrity beach body beat Thursday after two weeks of covering sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. “For a while there, it was all hands on deck…

WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump asked the mother of a fallen soldier to remind him what they were talking about 15 seconds into their phone conversation. “So, uh, wait—what was I just saying?” the…

With a $600 million decline in the president’s net worth, Donald Trump dropped 92 spots on Forbes’ annual list of the 400 richest Americans. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—In an effort to alleviate her sorrow after the tragic event, President Donald Trump reportedly comforted the grieving widow of a fallen soldier Thursday by assuring her that he will never die. “I know things are very difficult for you right now, but I hope you can take some solace in the knowledge that I am…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming their long-held theories on the dangers of the sport, a startling new study released Thursday by researchers at MIT shows that as many as 98 percent of BattleBots suffer from debilitating CPU injuries. “Our data show that nearly all robot competitors who are slammed, thrown, and flipped during…