Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full 

WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your…

Most Incompetent Coworker Once Again Shines At Office Halloween Party

SAN FRANCISCO—Shouting, “Eighty-eight miles per hour!” as he burst through the door in a handmade Doc Brown costume, Precision Intermedia sales associate Todd Shaw—indisputably the company’s most inept employee—once again shined at the annual office Halloween party, sources reported Friday. “I decided to mix it up…

Chase Utley Freaks Out Dodgers With Spooky Story Of Home Run Ball That Was Never Found

LOS ANGELES—Quietly revealing that it had happened on a similar cloudy fall night, Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley reportedly freaked out his teammates before Game 3 of the World Series Friday evening with a spooky story of a home run ball that was never found. “Listen, all, to this old tale of a home run ball that…

Intelligence Briefing Interrupted By Sofa-Cushion-Wearing Trump Boys Volunteering To Fight In North Korea

WASHINGTON—With sofa cushions duct-taped to their chests as they marched into the meeting, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly interrupted a military intelligence briefing Friday, shouting “ten-hut!” in unison and then volunteering to fight in North Korea.

According to sources, Defense Secretary James Mattis…

Nabisco Baffled After Trump Administration Gives It $200 Million Contract To Rebuild Puerto Rico’s Roads

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Utterly perplexed as to how they were chosen for the massive project, Nabisco executives reportedly were baffled Thursday after the Trump administration gave it a $200 million contract to rebuild Puerto Rico’s roads. “Although we are honored the president has awarded us this generous contract to help…

‘It’s Simply Bursting With Creative Wonder,’ Says Reviewer Of New Game Where Mario Sometimes Dresses As Chef

LOS ANGELES—Lavishing praise on Nintendo for its fresh and inspired design, a reviewer declared Thursday that a new game in which Mario sometimes dresses as a chef is “simply bursting with creative wonder.” “Every moment of this delightful adventure is overflowing with wildly innovative ideas that take the franchise…