Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment. “Sorry if it’s the most obvious…

Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability

WASHINGTON—Following testimony by female lawmakers alleging widespread sexual misconduct throughout Capitol Hill, Paul Ryan announced Thursday that Congress will undergo new sexual harassment training to create a safe work environment and plausible deniability. “This comprehensive three-hour course is designed to…

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Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour

FRANKFORT, KY—Wondering if he’d even get a minute of sleep with all that racket, local man Ted Hinze told reporters Friday that he can’t believe he can still hear a nearby construction worker hammering his wife at this hour. “Christ, it’s past ten o’clock and this asshole is still going at it,” said an exasperated…