Nick Saban Undergoes Cosmetic Procedure To Unfold Arms
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh…
Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction
WASHINGTON—Desperately hoping to avoid humiliation on the national stage, sources confirmed that members of the New York Giants pleaded with NBC play-by-play sportscaster Al Michaels to avoid using their real names during the starting lineup introductions of Thursday night’s broadcast. “Please do me a solid and say my…
Americans Buy $81 Million In Pies On Thanksgiving
According to Nielsen holiday sales data, Americans spent $81,483,780 on pie during Thanksgiving week in 2015—far exceeding pies purchases in other weeks that year—a trend they link to Americans eating multiple Thanksgiving meals in that span. What do you think?
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
Across the nation, families and friends are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?
‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting
LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…
Study: Sex Rarely Causes Heart To Stop
Researchers at the Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute found that people with heart conditions have cardiac arrests during sex in less than 1 percent of cases, saying they hoped the findings help remove an anxiety for couples. What do you think?
Memorable Moments From NFL Thanksgiving Games
The Reverend William Bradford rushes for 147 yards and a touchdown as the Pilgrims defeat the Native Americans
New Historical Evidence Suggests Most Pilgrims Sailed Back Home To Celebrate First Thanksgiving
BOSTON—In what seems to suggest acute homesickness among the colonists, historians at Boston University said on Wednesday that newly uncovered documents indicate that most pilgrims sailed back to Europe in the fall of 1623 to celebrate the first Thanksgiving at home. “What we see from personal diaries and ships’ logs…
Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down
WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down. “There was so much I…
Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview
NEW YORK—Refusing to back down from the subject during their often contentious exchange, talk show host Charlie Rose reportedly pressed himself about the recent sexual harassment allegations against him in a tense Charlie Rose interview on Tuesday. “Eight women who either worked with you or aspired to work with you…
Trump To Spend Thanksgiving At Mar-a-Lago
Palm Beach residents are bracing for President Trump’s arrival Thanksgiving week, a move that will cause road closures and an estimated $350,000 loss in local business. What do you think?
