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Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh…

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting

LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…

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