Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh…

Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction

WASHINGTON—Desperately hoping to avoid humiliation on the national stage, sources confirmed that members of the New York Giants pleaded with NBC play-by-play sportscaster Al Michaels to avoid using their real names during the starting lineup introductions of Thursday night’s broadcast. “Please do me a solid and say my…

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting

LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…

Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down

WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down. “There was so much I…

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