Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under…
Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction
WASHINGTON—Desperately hoping to avoid humiliation on the national stage, sources confirmed that members of the New…
Americans Buy $81 Million In Pies On Thanksgiving
According to Nielsen holiday sales data, Americans spent $81,483,780 on pie during Thanksgiving week in 2015—far…
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
Across the nation, families and friends are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for…
‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting
LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna…
Study: Sex Rarely Causes Heart To Stop
Researchers at the Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute found that people with heart conditions have cardiac arrests during sex…
Memorable Moments From NFL Thanksgiving Games
The Reverend William Bradford rushes for 147 yards and a touchdown as the Pilgrims defeat the Native Americans
New Historical Evidence Suggests Most Pilgrims Sailed Back Home To Celebrate First Thanksgiving
BOSTON—In what seems to suggest acute homesickness among the colonists, historians at Boston University said on…
Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down
WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged…
Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview
NEW YORK—Refusing to back down from the subject during their often contentious exchange, talk show host Charlie Rose…
Trump To Spend Thanksgiving At Mar-a-Lago
Palm Beach residents are bracing for President Trump’s arrival Thanksgiving week, a move that will cause road closures…