GOP Leaders Celebrate Passing Point Of No Return
Flynn Pleads Guilty To Lying To FBI, But, Worst Of All, Lying To Himself
WASHINGTON—Testifying to a judge that he was prepared to take full responsibility for his egregious actions, former National Security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty Friday to lying to the FBI, but, worst of all, lying to himself. “I am prepared to admit that I lied to FBI officials about my contact with Russian…
‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation
WASHINGTON—Saying that its presence had been a valuable source of comfort at a difficult time, President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him. “Things are so tough right now, and it’s nice to know someone out there has so much in common with me,…
Tesla Builds World's Biggest Battery In Australia
After being challenged to build it within 100 days by the local government, Elon Musk announced Monday that Tesla has constructed the world’s largest lithium ion battery in South Australia, a move officials hope will help with frequent power outages and energy shortages. What do you think?
Glitch In Country Allows Citizens To Temporarily Walk Through Tables
WASHINGTON— Saying that they were unable to explain the mysterious error, officials confirmed Friday that a glitch in the country was allowing U.S. citizens to temporarily walk through tables. “As many of you may have already noticed, due to a malfunction in the nation earlier today, citizens were momentarily able…
Reindeer Massacre In Norway
Over 100 reindeer have been killed in Norway in just three days after freight trains repeatedly collided with the animals, part of a pattern that has led to over 250 reindeer deaths in the past year. What do you think?
Leah Remini Rediscovers Her Faith In Scientology After Going Through Difficult Point In Life
NEW YORK—Saying she had never felt more complete and was “so grateful to be home,” Kevin Can Wait actress Leah Remini told reporters Thursday that she has rediscovered her faith in Scientology after going through a difficult point in her life. “I was really lost for the last few years, and it wasn’t until recently…
‘Avengers 4’ Will Provide Finale To Current Marvel Cinematic Universe
Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige confirmed in an interview this week that the next film in the Avengers series will conclude the current era in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and may serve as the final appearance for many of the film’s stars. What do you think?
How The NFL Can Increase Viewership
With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.
Melania Trump Hangs Decayed Badger Carcass Over White House Mantel To Finish Off Traditional Slovenian Christmas Decor
WASHINGTON—Smiling as she found just the right spot for the decoration, Melania Trump hung a decayed badger carcass over the White House mantel Thursday in keeping with the traditions of Slovenian Christmas. “Ah, it finally feels like the holidays,” said the First Lady, adding that the animal’s decomposing remains…
Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck
LOS ANGELES—Blasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet Breitbart was criticized Thursday for publishing a humanizing profile of a libtard beta-cuck. “It’s absolutely absurd that Breitbart of all places would think it was okay to portray this low-T liberal shill as a…
