‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife

WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said…

Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma

WASHINGTON—Thinking back to a far simpler time, veteran congressman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Thursday that he could still remember when his inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma. “I can still recall how, years ago, deciding not to take any steps to address universal background checks…

Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant

DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine…