A 132-year-old message in a bottle was found by an Australian family, with experts verifying that it was thrown off of a German Naval Observatory vessel in 1886 as an experiment in shipping routes. What do you think?
OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…
DALLAS—As they filed silently past the disheveled twentysomething staring intently at his iPhone, each passenger on American Airlines Flight 176 to Miami on Friday reportedly had a different theory as to how the occupant of seat 3A managed to get into first class. “I don’t know, he looks way too young to be a CEO and…
WASHINGTON—Shaking himself back to consciousness and cardiopulmonary function following a momentary lapse in personal viability, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross apologized to the other cabinet members after briefly dying during a meeting on steel tariffs Friday. “Whoops, sorry about that—just walked towards the…
LOS GATOS, CA—Acknowledging that the former president’s enthusiasm for the project made it all the harder to come clean, Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos was reportedly unsure Friday how to tell Barack Obama his series idea was just Fawlty Towers. “Oh God, he clearly put so much work into the pitch, but I…
HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in natural selection, researchers from around the globe reportedly remained divided on the issue of ugly people’s evolutionary function. “If the goal of the human adult is to reproduce, then why, after…
WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything wrong, officials from dozens of countries around the world expressed irritation Friday that all of the credit for meddling in the 2016 presidential race was going to Russia.
Fast-food giant McDonald’s announced it will roll out fresh beef at the majority of its domestic locations in a move to battle for customers’ increasingly divided attention. What do you think?
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Providing insight into the culture of early Western civilization, historians from the University of Oxford announced Friday the discovery of new evidence revealing that ancient Greeks immediately regretted inventing theater. “Our research shows that directly after developing theatrical performances as…
Employees in the new Apple headquarters have been repeatedly walking into its glass windows and doors, forcing some to call 911 due to mild concussions. What do you think?
PHOENIX ISLANDS, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have uncovered definitive proof that the pioneer aviatrix survived following her mysterious 1937 disappearance, forensic researchers announced Thursday that a variety of human bones found on the remote western Pacific island of Nikumaroro are most likely the remains of those eaten…
WASHINGTON—Urging journalists not to fixate on specious rumors and instead pursue topics of real importance, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned reporters assembled for the press briefing Thursday that allegations of President Trump’s affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels were a steamy, sexy…
During my 48 years in this world, I’ve done my best to lead a good life. I’ve worked hard, been honest in my dealings with others, and tried to give generously of my time and talents. After marrying the love of my life, I settled down to make a home with her, and together we’re raising two beautiful daughters. Such…
Over the past few years, interest in alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships has increased, and more people are experimenting with having more than one romantic partner. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of open relationships.
BALTIMORE—In a report many experts have described as deeply discouraging, researchers at Johns Hopkins University published data Thursday that suggest the average American adult walks no more than a mile each year with their pants down around their ankles. “Though a small handful of Americans clumsily waddle up to…
A Gallup study indicates a growing bias against having sons and towards having daughters in most American parents, with experts citing a “subtle fear of boys and the trouble they might bring.” What do you think?
NEW YORK—Capping a lengthy project to restore the iconic monument to its original form, New York City park officials announced Thursday that they have finally finished replacing the long-dead light bulbs in the Statue of Liberty’s eyes. “From its unveiling in 1889 until Hurricane Sandy damaged the statue in 2012,…
