World’s Oldest Message In A Bottle Found On Australian Beach
A 132-year-old message in a bottle was found by an Australian family, with experts verifying that it was thrown off of…
Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity
OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for…
Each Passenger Has Own Theory About How Guy Got Into First Class
DALLAS—As they filed silently past the disheveled twentysomething staring intently at his iPhone, each passenger on…
Wilbur Ross Shakes Self Awake After Briefly Dying During Cabinet Meeting
WASHINGTON—Shaking himself back to consciousness and cardiopulmonary function following a momentary lapse in personal…
Netflix Executive Unsure How To Tell Barack Obama His Series Idea Just ‘Fawlty Towers’
LOS GATOS, CA—Acknowledging that the former president’s enthusiasm for the project made it all the harder to come…
Biologists Still Uncertain About Evolutionary Function Of Ugly People
HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in…
Dozens Of Other Countries That Interfered In 2016 Election Annoyed Russia Getting All The Credit
WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything…
Fresh Beef Coming To McDonald’s
Fast-food giant McDonald’s announced it will roll out fresh beef at the majority of its domestic locations in a move to…
New Evidence Reveals Ancient Greeks Immediately Regretted Inventing Theater
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Providing insight into the culture of early Western civilization, historians from the University of…
Apple Employees Called 911 After Smacking Heads On Headquarters’ Glass
Employees in the new Apple headquarters have been repeatedly walking into its glass windows and doors, forcing some to…
Report: Human Bones Found On Remote Pacific Island Most Likely Remains Of Those Eaten By Amelia Earhart
PHOENIX ISLANDS, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have uncovered definitive proof that the pioneer aviatrix survived following her…
Huckabee Sanders Warns Stormy Daniels’ Disclosures Just Steamy, Sexy Distraction From Real Issues
WASHINGTON—Urging journalists not to fixate on specious rumors and instead pursue topics of real importance, White…
Point/Counterpoint: All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer vs. I Feel Great!
During my 48 years in this world, I’ve done my best to lead a good life. I’ve worked hard, been honest in my dealings…
Pros And Cons Of Open Relationships
Over the past few years, interest in alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships has increased, and more…
Report: Average American Walks Less Than One Mile Each Year With Pants Around Ankles
BALTIMORE—In a report many experts have described as deeply discouraging, researchers at Johns Hopkins University…
Americans No Longer Prefer Sons To Daughters
A Gallup study indicates a growing bias against having sons and towards having daughters in most American parents, with…
NYC Park Officials Finally Get Around To Replacing Dead Light Bulbs In Statue Of Liberty’s Eyes
NEW YORK—Capping a lengthy project to restore the iconic monument to its original form, New York City park officials…