Rick Perry Apologizes For Trying To Outdo Fellow Cabinet Members By Using $72 Million Of Taxpayer Funds On Lampshade

WASHINGTON—Admitting that his competitive spirit got the best of him, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry apologized Friday for trying to outdo his fellow cabinet members by spending $72 million of taxpayer money on a lampshade. “I deeply and sincerely regret becoming swept up in the office-decorating fervor of my…

Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People

WASHINGTON—Lamenting that even the purest hearts were fated to be broken, the confused and anguished U.S. populace was struggling Friday with the question of why bad things happen to good people following the news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from Donald Trump Jr. earlier this week. “How could this happen to…

Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey

NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ. “We…

‘I Must Make Sure You Have The Skills To Please My Grandson,’ Says Queen Elizabeth Disrobing Before Meghan Markle

LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills…

Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos

NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…

Exhausted Mueller Trying To Find Trump Organization Russia Documents Amid Thousands Of Harassment Lawsuits

WASHINGTON—In the hours after subpoenaing the Trump Organization for a wide-ranging batch of files possibly germane to the investigation, sources confirmed Thursday that Special Counsel Robert Mueller was already exhausted trying to find Russia-related documents amid thousands of harassment lawsuits. “Oh my god, how…

‘You Did The Best You Could,’ Says Iron Man Action Figure Voiced By Despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO Packing Up Office

WAYNE, NJ—Offering a supportive “you did the best you could,” an Iron Man action figure voiced by despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon reportedly provided consolation to the executive as he slowly taped up a box of family photos and Hot Wheels cars and tracks. “We all know you gave it your all and there was…