EPA Rolls Back Emissions Standards To Increase Consumer Choice Over Type Of Apocalyptic Hellscape Earth Will Become

WASHINGTON—In an effort to guarantee Americans the freedom to pick whichever mode of rapid ecological decay they desire, the Environmental Protection Agency rolled back federal emissions standards Friday to provide consumers with a broader choice over the type of apocalyptic hellscape Earth will inevitably become.…

George Thorogood Fan Disgusted To Learn Musician Licensed ‘Bad To The Bone’ For Commercial Purposes

HAMMOND, IN—George Thorogood fan Hank Flores was disgusted to learn Friday that the white-boogie-blues musician had licensed his single “Bad To The Bone” for commercial purposes, expressing disbelief that one of his musical and philosophical idols would sell out in such a fashion. “Man, that song used to really mean…

‘I Don’t Fit Into Any Of Corporate America’s Little Boxes,’ Says Single, 18-To-36-Year-Old Hispanic Female With Brand Loyalty To Tom’s, Chobani

LOS ANGELES, CA—Declaring herself a unique and sovereign individual who can’t be quantified by demographics or pigeonholed by big business, Carla Martín, a single, childless, 18-to-36-year-old bilingual Hispanic female with brand loyalty to Tom’s shoes and Chobani Greek yogurt and who expects to take two airline…

Laura Ingraham Claims Protesting Parkland Students Don’t Have Enough Gun Knowledge To Criticize Nicholas Cruz

WASHINGTON—Claiming the nationally celebrated students should be disqualified from taking any stance on the issue, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said Friday that protesting Parkland high schoolers are insufficiently knowledgeable concerning guns to criticize Nicholas Cruz. “These are just ignorant kids who don’t know…

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